stuffy eccentric intricate me

expectations will kill you

2012-01-29T22:53:00.005+08:00

sometimes I swear I think too much. too much that I get scared of my own shadows. sounds insane right?
this 'thinking-too-much-syndrome' has been going on for practically forever, because yes, I think too much most of the time, ALL the time. I honestly don't know how to get rid of it because it's been in my blood and my nervous system for what, since the day I learned to think with my own brain, which is what, forever?

anyways.. more contents less drama,
I've just only recently finished my exams. 2 written tests and one presentations and report based. I'm really hoping I could score that report and presentation test because, see, above all evaluations, I prefer the traditional written tests. because, it's just a matter of memorizing and composing my answer (read: composing because literally it means 'goreng' in bahasa melayu, but it's more like i don't know the answer but assuming I do know the answer, adding extra unnecessary knowledge and drawing up major long sentences)
and since my first paper wasn't much of a wonderland, i got rather depressed halfway through, because you see,
i had expectations.
and I'm sure we all know how painful it is to have to face an expectations that has fallen short.

last semester I did a hell of a good job; too good in fact. I scored a GPA3.77. well, that's about all that I'm gonna reveal because if I say more, it may look like I'm BRAGGING. but read on, you'll see where I'm heading soon enough.

see, my FIRST PAPER was a total dread, major flop and a pathetic excuse for a test paper. it was so bad that i felt like jumping off Tokai's main building (almost. I did sit on top of the roof after the test for hours, and checking out the possibilities of sustainable injuries if i ever made the jump)
but of course, I didn't make any such thing.

because instead of sustaining injuries that may impair my physique, I sat down, and basically cried my eyeballs out, because, well, I did work extremely extensively hard for that one particular paper, because I know I don't deal with histories very well.

and history is SOOOOOOOO NOT MY THING!
(please use your imaginations, and create an image of me, making the cheerleader kind of gestures, while saying these words.)

and yes, i hate studying history since I knew I was a girl. that means: FOREVER!
so why was i so overwhelmed by my failure to answer the paper brilliantly?

like i said, i had expectations.
see, scoring a very good result the previous semester caused me to go over the top for a while, it did make me happy for a very long time, so long that i drown in my own world. a world where i thought i could do BETTER. a world where i thought the least of possibility can even have a chance.
expectations that went wild.
expectations that told me I CAN HAVE MORE, I NEED MORE, I WANT MORE.

AND so i did. i wanted more. even more that 3.77.

I WANTED A 4.0.

Which was the reason why I worked my ass off the whole week, read the whole history notes over and over and over and over again, countless times. i think i must've barfed like twice as a result of too much Japanese history inputs. (of course I didn't actually barf.) yes, if you ask me now, who were the first few Japanese Feudal Lords who converted into Christianity during the Muromachi Sengoku Period, I can answer straight away. And what were the names of the 4 children who were sent as emissaries to Europe, no notes, i will answer you attentively

please. I have no intention of bragging. just a serious try proving my point. seriously, WHO CARES about the Japanese history, hell I don't even remember when the Portuguese set foot in MY OWN COUNTRY and i went memorizing some other country's history! something is awfully wrong with this picture.
my point is, i tried hard, very hard, to get what I wanted. from the day I started my autumn semester class, I know I had wanted that, that and only that.

and I tried hard. I swear I never even came close to trying this hard memorizing my own country's history.

and all I get was a lousy test paper, with immensely ridiculous answers coming from my own pen. and I knew that was it.

sitting alone up on that roof never got harder.

up till today, i think i have learnt that no matter how much, how hard I try, as much as I'd hate it, if God doesn't will it, I don't stand a chance either.

been sighing a lot lately. I never really handled disappointment very well, always taking it to my heart, knowing I could've done so much better but didn't, and felt sorry that I can't make up for lost time and effort. i get hurt tremendously. partly because I am always sensitive la bab2 berharap ni. sbb bila ak berharap, aku berharap to the extreme without realizing how badly it will affect me.

ngeng. too much too long~ byebye!

2011: it's a wrap

2011-12-23T22:17:00.094+08:00

it's a little over Christmas I'm sure. because i know by the time i finished writing this, it'd probably be days after I actually started.

coming in to the festive season again, I can't believe it's that time of the year. it's funny sometimes that you never actually realized how time flies. and all this while i thought i was enjoying myself, i was half the time wasting it. but unless we enjoyed the time, it's not so much wasted is it?

anyway, my twenty eleven started out as a U2 student in JAD, struggling to the very last breath before getting sent off to Japan, a land I never thought I'd set a foot on until i finally got the green light back in April, come to think of it, all 84 of us were stranded without knowing what awaits us back in March, due to the 2011 Fukushima Tsunami, and the whole nuclear plant radiation thingy. When everyone else got back to their semester, i was sitting at home, wandering around, waiting for a bloody call that will tell me how my life would be for the next 2years. that call was everything i had to rely hopes on. honestly, there was no word to describe just how excruciating that one month was, it was full of pain, depression, lost hopes, boredom and well, overwhelming PMS-es.

Then finally after a month delay, the government confirmed that it was safe for all of us to go there, and here I am today, larger than life, surreal life-changing experienced me.

so far, i think 2011 turned out to be way better than i had even expected. i mean, this amazing life in japan is just about enough to cover up the misery i went through that 3 years. in fact; it's more than 'just about enough'. I am practically having the best time of my life! but it's really sad though that i only get to do this all alone, i mean, I'd love to share this incredible experience with my beautiful friends, shikin, shy, siti, chiku, saufi and everyone else.

back in December 2010, all i wished for 2011 was an answering machine, come to think of it, it does sounds kind of peculiar why I would even wished for that, but to think of my situation back then, it probably doesn't seem as bizarre.

i ended my 2010 with fireworks and wild partying on the streets at the curve, although i wasn't the one doing all the partying. and this year, I am ending my 2011 with a BUNGEE JUMP. well, it wasn't those over the cliff, tied up to your feet kind of bungee jump, it's more like 22m tall, with a safety balloon to ensure safe landing(although standing 22m above ground didn't really made a safety balloon safe.) but yeah. i did that. and had a video of myself doing it. and yeah, it did take three counts of threes before i actually made THE jump. okay i am a major acrophobic. so it is a damned big of a deal that i managed to jump 22m high! and i still have flashes of the adrenaline rush of the moment i looked down over the platform. it was HELL scary. i never could have possibly even imagine why i even did that, up till now, i still can't believe HOW i even agreed to that. that was THE MOST ridiculous thing I've ever done in my whole life. but yeah. basically it's the highlight of 2011.

coming to japan was the best thing that's ever happened to me. i had the chance to turn a new leaf and forget what can be forgotten, run away from what i don't want to face.

i had the chance to sport so many new things I've always only dreamed of, ankle boots, fury winter coats, designer handbags and well, experience a Dean's List for once in my life. and became the best foreign student in Tokai so far, not a word here is meant for bragging, but yeah, i think i made some really big efforts to attain that position.

and i get to travel so much more than anything, also i developed a very bad money-spending skills at that too, but hey, no pain no gain!

then i get to learn so many new things! like Korean language, learn how difficult it is to work firsthand on a daily basis in a Japanese food factory and the train here are really fast and punctual too! oh not to mention the debate competitions I've been participating in!

i made new friends who are crazy enough to be my sidekicks in almost all of my little adventures, and i made friends who stick with me up to the very end.

and yeah, studies come first in whatever i do, the autumn semester is tougher to score than the spring because of the difference in evaluation; the spring semester was all about paper and written exams, and the autumn semester is all about oral and presentations.

let's see, what i have done down the road of 2011..

i went mount climbing for the first time (and the last, apparently)
i went to Osaka and went to the renowned Universal Studios Japan.
i shopped like a true Serena VDW and Blair Waldorf.
i went for gatherings and dinners at the embassy of Malaysia in Shibuya
i participated in numerous debate competitions with Izzati
i celebrated my birthday twice, with two cakes on different days!
i became a DL student with GPA 3.77 and got no2 out of 141 students in my department
i went back to Malaysia for raya
i took part in the MSAJ's event of the year, Malaysian Night(MN) 2011 and virtually became the so-called star of the night (trust me I'm no diva)
i taught the steps to a Malay dance as one the performances during MN
i got to know plenty of new people at the MN, those who rapidly turned into good friends like I've known them forever.
i went on dates with my girlfriends
i hang out on a roof of a building at my school with friends
i watched fireworks for Kengakusai Tokai with Tokai family
i watched fireworks during the summer at saitama with friends, took a picture and sent it to Salam Perantauan!
i rode a Doraemon painted train
i scored full marks in Korean language, and scored 89 in Kouzaki sensei's test that i thought i can barely go over the 74.5 average
i watched Barcelona live in Yokohama at the Club WC semi-final against Qatar Al-Sadd
i watched THE Tokai Rugby team as they take down Tsukuba, but instead was taken down, watched the first rugby game ever! and it was fun, surprisingly!
i went out with friends for the Christmas holidays
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, i did a bungee jump, the thing that I've always wanted to do before i turn 25. one down, few more to go~ haha.

these are just the main highlights over the 8 months I've been here. there was more to it of course, but yeah, these are the ones i can be proud of.

i never recalled reminiscing about the past year ever so happily, i think this would be the first, i mean all this while, all my years making a post about a leaving year, at the end of every year had been dull and well, unhappy. but it's different now. i guess, despite all the traumas and the unwanted tragedies I underwent through 2011, this year has been so far one of my best years. and i've got tons of people to be thankful for that!

to mum and family for the endless support
to you(you know who you are) who have been supporting me through every days of my miseries
to shikin, siti and shy, for being the best girlfriends ever
to chiku and beep my most treasured twins
to saufi and man who never forget to text me and constantly remind me about their presence, i cherish everything about you guys!
to aya and fatin, my crazy sidekicks
to arep and kyra and topek, for being my KOPO minions (now i sound like Blair Waldorf)
to syifa and yasmin and redha and amir and rahman for being my Tokai friends
to haris for being my gakka-mate and sharing handfuls of eccentric stories, facts and fictions
to heri for always hanging out with me masa practice menari
to siriphong for being my Serena VDW and showed me the right ways to be a diva!
to kak anna, chyesin, kimi, aimi and bifa, for joining my dance
to zahir for being a wonderful sultan, a funny guy and a brilliant senior
to akatsuka ryunosuke (although i know there's no chance in the world you would be reading this) for being my partner during presentations
to yami, yuusuke, kaku, suzuki, taisuke and everyone else, for being great Japanese people!
to emily, miki, miku, misa, kento, taiki, daiichi, genki and Ayabe sensei, for having me in your debate team and as a team member
to Aoki sensei, Kouzaki sensei, Okanaga sensei, Azetsu sensei, Sasanuma sensei, Ochiai sensei, Hattori sensei, for being a remarkable lecturers anyone can wish for.

and to the rest of the people that i did not list, it's not that i don't want to list you down, but it's just it slips my mind, i'm turning 22 but i still am the same old forgetful and procrastinator me.

thus, i hereby bid an official farewell to a glorious 2011, a year to be remembered. they say goodbye is never easy. but not if you want a new one to come fast.

p/s: a few has-been seem to have resurfaced over after years of silence. and just so you know, a few of my past life experiences were... well, embarrassing to even be uttered of, so I'd like to keep it that way. and now that you got what you need, shoo away, go live your infamous life with he who you have fought so vainly for.

kahwin? aku?

2011-11-03T09:54:00.005+08:00

akhirnya tiba juga saat ini dimana setiba2 nya rakan2 di sekeliling kau mula mengikat tali yg dh xboleh dirungkai lagi~~ perkahwinan.

dan secara tiba2 kau mendapat invitations di laman Facebook atau worse, mendapat berita2 pertunangan/perkahwinan rakan2 korang melalui rakan2 lain.

dan tiba2 kau merasa sedetik rasa pilu di jiwa. sebab kau mula rasa kawan2 kau yg main2 dgn kau kat sekolah dulu,main sorok2, main buli2 pengawas, main ponteng2 sekolah ni semua da mula melangkah ke alam lain yang kau belum sampai lagi. satu langkah besar yg kau xsure pun kau da ready nak try ke belum.

atau kepelikan yg melanda. kerana kau baru jer berumur 21 tahun! wth?

so situ la titik permulaan aku berfikir sejenak buat masa hadapan. masa hadapan yang masih lagi blur di mata, otak, hati dan jiwa aku ni.

adakah ak kebudak budakan? atau sekadar belum bersedia menerima ini semua?
kalau nak kata ak x pernah fikir pasal kahwin tu macam agak tipu gak la. tp nak mengerjakan tu ak mcm x berapa nak ready sgt.

cthnya macam ok, so i have to spend every single day with a guy, eat with him, do everything with him, sleep with him...... ok that's about enough.

the thought scares me. ke aku mmg kanak2 lagi sbenarnya?

ak berdrama je ke ni? padahal kawan2 ak yg lain da nak bertunang nak kahwin. xlama lagi tinggal la aku sorg2 yg x kahwin lg. haha.

bummer big time.

好きな人に好きを

2011-10-12T14:56:00.004+08:00

ape yg ak bakal tulis ni rasanya macam xda kena mngena pun dgn tajuk ni. hahah. by the way it's been a while since i last wrote ANYTHING at all. rasa cem rindu gila kat blog ni. whatever happened? i used to be a blog freak back in school. writing every review for every anime i've watched, all the comics i read, every camp trips, vacations and whatnots.

guess i've been so busy trying to live, making up the time i've lost in jad that somehow i felt that a day somehow is just not enough, some days i spent watching Korean soaps all day that i get headaches, some days i spent doing absolutely nothing and feel thoroughly useless at the end of the day, some days i spent tidying up the mess i made in my house and felt happy in the end but it'll be in the same mess tomorrow again.

sometimes i get the feeling that life's not worth the gloom. when i think that life's all that i have, that i ought to make some fun out of it.
sometimes i think life's not worth it. the things in life are far too much to comprehend sometimes. the bitchiness, the licking asses, the assholes, pretty much all these people.

but then who am i to call some other people bitch? if i am too to them then i should be given no right to call others that.

I've just been running away. all this while. all the time.

from my dad, from my family, from my friends, from my past, from my present and my entire life, if not all.

i think I'm a pretty good runner, having excelled in running away for so many times in my life, i even made it to Japan! i should be given an award for being such a good runner eh?

some things i'd like to be sorry for, some are just not my fault, and i should be receiving the apology.

if only i had been a better person, maybe we wont suffer this much, if i had grew up a little bit faster, i'd be able to do something. i know it's unfair, that i get to be blessed with this fortune that im receiving and i'm not helping them with anything, letting them face those burdens alone, suffer alone while i get to have fun some 3600 miles away.

if you planned to abandon your responsibility then by all means don't take matters in your hands.. because you've done nothing so close so as to be responsible all this while. and i don't think i can ever look at u in your eyes, looking at it gives much more pain than not having to do so. it's not like i haven't had enough already.

i think i've been running away from my past quite a lot. from all of them. I've never really faced any of them. it's all either written or a simple call. and then we moved on.

my friends and my present, this gives me creeps sometimes. i'm really so good at running that i never had the courage to look up and face the problems, wishing that i wake up tomorrow, everyone forgets. or better so someone else cleans up the mess.

i think above all these, I've been running away from myself rather. and that's the fact that i really hate about myself.
take things so easily that all i think about is fun sometimes. i usually never really care. that sometimes i might end up hurting someone.

there's got to be that time when i get all my guts up and face my fears. and those things I've been running away from. and the only question is when.

Aidilfitri 1432H

2011-08-31T22:12:00.002+08:00

apa2 pun, saya dahulu kan ucapan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin buat semua pembaca yang sama ada mmg baca post ni atau secara tak sngaja kat dashboard ke ape, x kisah la. nak mintak maap dari hujung rambut ku yg ber-split ends ni, sampai ke hujung kuku ibu jari ku yang belum dipotong nih. kepada mereka yg pernah terasa dgn kata2 sama ada depan, atau belakang, lisan atau tulisan, gambar atau poisture, tergedik or ter-over whatever lah ok?

kadang2 i tahu i mmg over mngalahkan mak datin, tapi tu mmg kalau dah tahap kawan mcm famili mmg aku gedik over mak datin. tapi kalau x kenal aku, sorry la i mmg pemalu orgnya. ahahah! perasan.

ape pun ni raya yang ke-tiga sejak kami berempat je yg menjadi penghuni tetap villa siti kamaliah ni~ sat lagi aku balik Jepang, tgl la 3 budak hitam nih~ ahax.

this year is somehow much less celebrated but much more appreciated. buat 3 jenis kuih, tym2 puasa tu bgn pagi buat kuih, fuhh mmg penat. kuih bukan sng beb. nsb baik aku cadang guna hand mixer tuh, kalu TAK, mmg mak aku nak guna sudip kayu zaman tok kaduk dulu waris turun temurun dia tuh! pergh kalau guna sudip kayu tu, mmg alamat x hbs la buat kuih tu. nak memukul kek kukus dgn gula hangus tu bukan kerja sng babe! mmg mencabar keimanan akuyg puasa tu.

kalau x kuat iman, mmg dah buka dah, tp mengingatkan kena ganti kat jepun yg dah nak winter tu, haish mengucap panjang aku. ak rasa dah jadi mcm makcik lak bulan2 raya nih. yelah, ak rasa tym2 raya ni kena byk ckp sikit. kalo x mmg x terlayan sedara mara yg dtg umah beraya tuh.

lastly kek mangkuk tradisional, red velvet cupcakes, and kek kukus, all from Buttercup telah siap dan dirasai, sedap la. boleh wat menantu. hahah apa lah aku memuji diri sendiri ni ha, mungkin akibat aku merasa terlalu makcik-ish pada ketika ini. ngaha. dah x da kerja doh aku. hahah.

i really wish i can wish all my frens a very happy raya and a very beautiful year ahead.

i have constantly been doing lots of wrong things, bad things up till now, and i know asking god for forgiveness and be forgiven just like that may be a little too good to b true, but i really wish i can be a better person this point onwards, the one that can provide good life to their parents, a good friend always, a dependable sister, a loving girlfriend and an amazing person just by myself.

all in all, no drama malam raya lagi this time around, he went off to become an ad star, to singer, to drama star now. i even heard he broke up with that crazy girl he brought to my house. i bet that would be a past he would gladly forget no? haha.

so selamat hari raya everyone! have a lovely year ahead!

I open at the close, the seventh book

2011-07-15T21:14:00.010+08:00

Ok, first of all,maybe Nurul Ashikin binti Abd Halim akan sgt membebel kalau die baca post ni padahal i promised to make a post about us. sorry shikin! promise lpas exam i give u my all! :)

just got back from Ebina TOHO Cinema, i never would have expected i would be watching the final installment of Harry Potter in Japan if you ask the 11-year-old me back in 2001. back in 2001, (what 10years ago?) i was totally not the Harry Potter freak that i am right now.

well, having watched (never failed i might add) the series and reading the books (countless times) all through these years, having literally grown up with it, letting go of Harry Potter would be a difficult task. and a very sad one honestly.

remember back in 1997 when the author finished the manuscript, no one wanted to publish it, saying no one would read such ridiculous wizard boy who does magic and goes to a magic school and flies on a broomstick. and honestly if you ask me, i wouldn't have favoured such a story. but hey, Bloomsbury took the chance and had the only benefit of the doubt J.K Rowling can accomplished at that time. i only came to know of it a few months before the release of HP1 in 2001, through some sort of a television program that i've forgotten the name of. i cant help it, it's been what, 10 years.

I watched the first Harry Potter, Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone somewhere in November 2001, with my sisters, and every single moment of watching the movie is living ever so freshly in the back of my mind, the red jumper Harry got from Ron's mom for Christmas, he wore it and found the Mirror of Erised, catched the first snitch during Flying Lessons with Madam Hooch, the yellow-eyed woman with spiky hair, McGonagall's face when she showed Harry to Oliver Wood, Hagrid's face as he knocks on the door to Diagon Alley, and the song that's playing on the background as Harry excitedly tries so hard to look at every single shop there is with a blink of an eye, the way Ron sounded when he told Harry that it wasn't him or Hermione that was determined to face Quirrel rather, Harry had to do it alone, how un-deliciously looking carrot cake that Hagrid made for Harry for his eleventh birthday that Dudley with that no-courtesy attitude of his, finished the cake within seconds... oh i can go on ALL day if you let me, really.

That was practically the start of EVERYTHING. had my sister not taken me to watch that movie, i would never have become the me i am now. i should be thanking my sister. that was when i went all gaga for Harry, the cute little boy my age who got offered a place in Hogwarts.
Aaah... speaking about that, the aftermath of the movie was terrible.

i virtually PRAYED that a letter from Hogwarts would come to my house and invite me to attend Hogwarts. i secretly wished that I was actually a witch, with magical powers and my mum and dad were Muggles, even though that makes me a Mudblood, it didn't really matter because Hermione was a Muggle-born too. and i wanted to be a witch and have an offer letter come to me so badly that i memorized EVERY single word of the offer letter Harry got from Hogwarts and tried every single spell Hermione used in the movie, wishing it would come true.

see how TERRIBLE and destructive the after-effect of the movie was for me? now that i think about it, i still wished to have a letter come to my house saying i was a witch.

I'm probably childish when it comes to Harry Potter though. i started reading the books after watching the movie, i ALMOST ( THANK GOD I DIDN'T) bought the Bahasa Melayu version of the book, (could never be thankful enough that the book was English) and followed suit. ever since.

my fanaticism towards HP made me a friend. come to think of it, i never had a picture of her. because i was friends with her before built-in camera phones tech came around, and she left school before my dad bought me my first camera phone. anyway, sorry dear friend, i'm stealing a picture of u from Facebook!

this is her. The name is Nurul Asiah. i do miss her actually, looking at that face and that spot on her hand reminded me of the days we used to study together. we both shared the same likes, for instance Hajime Kindaichi and of course, Harry Potter.

we were like twins when it came to HP. i remember when HP2 was about to come out and there were tv programs like "behind the scenes: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" or "the making of HP& tCoS" etc..
man.... WE WOULD BE CALLING EACH OTHER AND SPENT THE WHOLE ONE HOUR talking about how 'Harry's voice changed when he said "You wish" to Malfoy' or giggling about how Harry had changed so much in one year, how mature he looked compared to the first movie and how Malfoy turned out to be so good looking compared to him in HP1, Malfoy got all the attention that time, with that black Nimbus 2001 and the Seeker role of the Slytherin's team. or how Ron has changed so much over the year, and Hermione looking ever so bushy and whatnot... and the second movie directed by Chris Columbus was also around November 2002 if i'm not mistaken. oh and one night i had this dream, my boyfriend was Neville Longbottom, that kindda got stuck until elementary school was over.

waiting for the next movie was ever so excruciating. the wait seems like a thousand years! the third movie took one and a half years to complete. unlike the first two, the movie as well as the book were darker although it did not contain plot like fighting Voldemort of his feet or sort, it's more like the story revolved around Harry finding his Godfather and realized he was a really nice man, and finally found love and family. and somehow, being a freak like me, i fall in love into Sirius so much that i cried my tears out reading how Belatrix Lestrange killed her own blood relative (Sirius died in the fifth book), i just wasn't able to accept the fact that the only family Harry ever had died just after two years knowing him. that was the death i really didn't want to accept. oh and the was a rumour back then, that Ewan McGregor was to take the role of Remus Lupin, but it turned out to be just a rumour, i did back then somehow hoped that Ewan McGregor took the role, because i really fancied him.

after the HP3; HP4, HP5, HP6 and HP7 went from a sweet childish plot in HP1 and HP2 to a far more deeper, and darker plot. with more important people dying in every book. So far the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie was the worst of them all. the Quidditch World Cup was simply left out of the movie, the Triwizard Tournament coverage was too heavy and a 636 pages worthy of brilliant storyline being put into a 2-hour-movie was the most unacceptable effort ever!

Cedric Diggory who only appeared in this part of the whole franchise also died in here (read: Cedric Diggory was played by Robert Pattinson who also starred The Twilight Saga as Edward Cullen) tell you, Robert Pattinson looked a tonne more good-looking in HP than in twilight. he was the only reason i think Harry should lose the Triwizard tournament :).

the forth installment marked the re-birth of the Dark Lord, entering the fifth, he went stronger when all the wizarding world refused to believe Harry and Dumbledore, the Ministry of Magic made everyone believe that Voldemort is indeed not back and it's still safe when in reality almost half the ministry is run by Death Eaters. the fifth installment introduced the Dumbledore Army, DA, led by Harry as a defensive measures towards facing Voldemort, finding the prophecy made by Trelawney, facing Voldemort in the Hall of Prophecy at the Ministry and finally the ministry had to admit that Voldemort has indeed regained his powers. the fifth installment, HP& the Order of Pheonix came out stronger because of the existence of the Order. i always thought this bunch of mature wizard who fight as one is kindda hot, of maybe it's just because there was Lupin in it. somehow i had the hots for Lupin though. oh and that bitch Umbridge! god she was all pinky, thinking she's cute.

HP& the Half-Blood Prince was really confusing. at first i thought the HBP was Harry. or rather Dumbledore, because they were the most important characters of the lot, at the end of the book, the HBP turned out to be Snape. which was really unexpected. and Snape killed Dumbledore at the end, cried reading this as well. how silly can it be? i mean, who wasn't fooled seriously? JK Rowling kept it all secrets until the very end!

most of us spent years and years hating Snape because of his ill manner and the evil inside him, Rowling really can't expect us all to suddenly love Snape at the end of the franchise! pity: yeah maybe, but love? definitely a no! because Snape was meant to be hated!

finally, the last chapter of the installment came into the big screen in two parts, both taking a year each to complete, and by far, HP7 part2 is the best ever, taking most important scenes into actions while not leaving the minor ones behind, even in 3D it came to be such a great movie that i enjoyed so very much. although i must say that Harry and the gang's attempt to look 19 years older was a total failure. they were all... well, never age. you know, the kind of image you have on someone that makes them stay that age forever.

in total Harry Potter Franchise took up 10 long years to completion, the books, also 10, from 1997 up to 2007, turned a Daniel Radcliffe from a nobody to a A-list star, Emma Watson from a total flop to a total beauty, Rupert Grint from a smirky redhead to a lead role in Comrade!

All in all, i am glad that i grew up alongside the Harry Potter franchise. 10 long years, i have been an avid fan. always glad to talk about HP at ANY time of the day. somehow watching HP makes me feel younger, maybe. perhaps that's why watching HP always leaves me feeling so emotional and overwhelmed at the end. HP had been a big part of me. to let go of it means to let that big part of myself go, i means i've been growing up from 11 years old to the 21-year-old me watching and reading and waiting for the next installment, it's remotely impossible to actually remove HP from my life. probably that's the reason why i'm writhing down all these craps. a real fan may actually have gone to the castle, visited Hogsmeade, drink Butterbeer at least once, and know how to pronounce a Wizengamot right, and honestly i'm neither of these. i'm just so into HP that i loved it so much that it makes me cry when his godfather died, or his Headmaster dies, or when he felt loved by a friend's mom. i'm just so sad to let it go. i'm even refusing to stop writing because it will mean an end to my HP life, my youth as well....

i know i'm feeling all blues because there won't be another HP installment to wait for, or the next book to be all excited for. everyone grows up and moves on right? yeah but somehow there's just a tiny part of me that refuses to let HP grows old. because that means i've to grow old...

life is all about finding an excitement, when the excitement disappears, so will life itself.

here's where i bid farewell to my beloved HP, the movies, the books and the contests i entered. i hope 30~40 years from now, people will see HP franchise like the Star Wars Saga. and freaks like me would be watching and have a dvd box set at home.. you know.

:) thank you for being such a big part of me. (:

my final ticket of the HP franchise..

whatever.

2011-07-08T19:52:00.002+08:00

respect.
loyalty.
grace.
humanity.

first of all, i would not want to sound too annoyed, but sometimes we get mad at something because we feel someone's being unfair by saying bad things about you. and thing is we never thought that we get mad because what other party is saying is effing true.

why we say bad things about others? because we're not happy of what the other is doing? or because we lack respect for the other party? RESPECT man.

if you think you're the best out of your clan, has the best attitudes, nice, kind, solat tak tinggal, taat pada Allah, iman pun kuat, pandai, then kalau nak kutuk orang alright je la. tu pun you really have no rights to talk badly of someone.

tapi kalau muka huduh tu, nak kutuk muka orang lain, ape cer?

pastu kau igt perempuan ni barang mainan? you think women are toys? ones to be played around and when you're done for, you're bored, you just throw them around? or worse still, you keep one while you have another around you.
what, you think you're god?

i really don't wish for something bad to happen to you because all this while i thought you were my friend. but wth, you don't even look like you're to put effort into making yourself a better person so, i really hope that one day, what u did, you'll get it back.

good riddance.

a treasure in your existence

2011-06-30T21:18:00.010+08:00

who said diamond is a girl's best friend? i bet that person either never had a best friend, or is a guy who intended sarcasm.

they may be they silliest bunch of girls, the ones yang kene tangkap dgn HEM sekolah sebab pegang tgn time beratur nak pergi dewan, the ones yang korang pergi men futsal padahal tujuan asal adalah nak tgk lelaki2 hensem, the ones yang akan menganjing/memperli/meng-annoy korang paling terbaik, plg sakit hati, paling lama sampai dah kawen nant still ada kene nganjing benda sama, the ones yg korang buat benda paling bongok sekali, korang nyer sidekick tu.

pastu dorang ni manusia yg bila kumpul jer mula la keluar perkataan2 pelik, aksi2 pelik, idea2 pelik, kalau buat sorang2 or dgn kawan2 lain korang malu nak wat cenngini, dgn these bunch of girls mmg xda malu pny la sbb semua org xmalu, so why shud u kan? ngahaha

starts off zaman muda-mudi, remaja-belia

masa sekolah dulu kala~ maybe ada yang xkenal lama, ada yg just kenal sbb kawan kepada kawan lain, but it was a huge group and semua kepala ada, tapi semua kepala masuk air. and semua orang ley sync. ngahha..

tym ni semua orang best. semua sporting gila, men futsal suma la. mmg d best time ever.

later da after spm tu, semua orang move on. yang tinggal yang keparat2 kat bawah ni jer la.. tapi ape yg paling penting semua kepala masuk air lagi. haha. keep up d good works guys.

i've been to many places, Bangi, Gua Musang, Shah alam, Batu tiga, Batang Berjuntai, and found many people, but there's no one that i've found whom i can compare to these girls.
padahal kalau duk dgn dorang kerja mengutuk orang, menganjing orang semua benda xbaik la. tapi tu la benda paling best i can do with anyone. kutuk dgn org lain selain these girls just doesnt feel the same.

and rasanya kalau hang out dgn orang lain pun x kan sebest hang out dgn kwn2 aku nih.. :)

see? xcukup lagi?

aish. ak rasa kalau ada anugerah kawan paling gila di dunia, ak anugerah kan kat korang. sb korang bukan sahaja gila, malah korang buat aku sekali gila. hahahh.

ni kek birthday korang kat aku kan. igt x? padahal ak x tahu korang tahu x ak xsuka gila kek pisang. korang bagi ak kek pisan siap lilin lagi. orang mmg sengal gila. pastu celebrate plak kat bukit cerakah dgn piknik basket shikin tuh. hahahha. gila gila gilaaaa

sbenarnya ak agak sedih dgn berita one of us is going to leave us, so ak mengambil masa yang agak lama nak siap kan post ni. skang ak da boleh terima kenyataan sket r. sorry ak agak emosi tym diberitahu, coz ak x expect kita yang perangai gila sengal ni somehow akan menuju ke arah tu. but whatever it is, ak doakan yang terbaik je la. sbb ak sayang korang sgt2. and kalau korang happy aku happy, kalau korang susah sedih ke ak pun rasa kesakitan itu. kwang kwang kwang~~

ak tahu someday semua orang akan move on, and semua orang akan ada life korang sendiri, but actually until that time ak xnak fikir pun ape ak nak buat kalau kita da x macam dulu2, sbb ak just nak enjoy this moment in my life with you guys.

eventhough i noe that bila that time comes ak la orang paling sedih dlm dunia, tapi because right now i don't noe what future will bring me, i want to just enjoy my present.

the best things in life are free, and you guys are the best thing ever came across my life. i never wished that our paths cross because we never knew each other before we do, and to have you guys in my life, is definitely a life worth living.

friends forever, til death do us part.

love you guys so much. xoxo.

"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.."
— Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

humility and grace

2011-06-17T22:37:00.002+08:00

ok. ak tahu dah berzaman gila aku xupdate blog. tapi lately ni mmg ak ada byk lagi benda yg aku kene buat yg lagi penting dari menulis mencurah2. biasalah aku kan suka gila merapu kalau menulis so time yg xkene gerenti aku x kan tulis.

contohnya hari ni, mukadimah jer dah berapa line ni. ni x masuk tajuk lagi. haish. ok. ni sbnnyer benda yg da agak bermain dlm otak ak buat beberapa ketika.
actually x da reason pun ak nak xpuas hati. tp sebab recent events ni membuat aku rasa bertambah x puas hati.

like ak pernah tny kat twitter, "why would a guy be a gynae?" why did i even ask? oh why, u ask me, because i haven't gotten any answer that really satisfied my inquiry.

kenapa lelaki kena jadi gynae? handling women private parts! oh no! what????????????????

pastu ada some brilliant anwsers like "to know the secret answer of women" or "desire yang pelik" or "sbb best" best? best???? BEST????????

hahah oh. pecah kepala otak aku.

believe it or not. aku malu gila dorang jawab mcm tu. AKU YANG MALU. rasa nak tutp muka sbb da merah sgt. weyh. mana ley ckp best kot.

kawan ak kata xsalah lelaki jadi gynae. dah kira harus tu kalau niat nak menolong. huh. tapi mengapa? MENGAPA??????????????????????????

kalau ye pun best or they really have the desire abt women or really want to know abt women, CAN YOU JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF??????????????? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!

bagi lah aku anggap kau kaum2 lelaki yang dah jadi gynae ni sbnarnye niat korang mulia! nak menolong kami kaum wanita! in d same tym cuba mamahami kesakitan yang kami alami!

please dont make me think badly of u guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

apabila sudah ada jawapan yg begini daripada lelaki aku juga merasa kekok terhadap semua lelaki!!!!!!!!!

aish. ok. aku yg BERMASALAH. dari zaman dulu kala lagi guy gynae da wujud, sekarang aku baru nak sibuk? means mmg aku la yg entah apa apa? aiya.

if not kenapa x da orang bantah lelaki jadi gynae dari dulu? ape masalah aku sbenarnya?????

masalah aku adalah: ... ah xpayahla ckp. segan plak aku. kang tulis kang orang kata aku SM x pasal2.

tapi tula. yang aku tahu aku xmahu cari suami gynae. not gonna happen. i will not let my husband go off looking into other women's... err.. there.

or aku xkan deliver baby with a male gynae. sorry. walaupun kalau tgk dari luar aku ni mcm ni, bising gila, xkisah apehal, kau nak cari gaduh dgn aku no hal la, tapi kalau sampai part2 tang2 ni. oh aku mmg nombor satu cabut lari. xmahu.

ak pernah tny sorg kwn lelaki aku. kalau from a guy's point of view, would he feel nothing at any one of his patient who come in to his practice asking him to check what was wrong with her at her... err... THERE?

JAP. let me rephrase that. that was confusing. sorry.

so. ak pernah tny sorg kwn lelaki aku. kalau from a guy's point of view, adakah possible x ada apa2 perasaan kalau seorang lelaki look or touches women's... err... there? and he said,
xpossible.

mesti ada punya lah. dia tambah lagi.

dan aku bertambah gila memikirkan nya...

adakah ak exaggerating? sbb ak rasa kalau ada org lain yg sama mslah dgn aku mest xda male gynae dlm dunia ni.

or adakah husband kepada pregnant women ni x kesah some other guy touches or look at their wives'... err.. there?????

oh aku kalau husband aku x kisah tu ada yang mintak penumbuk tu.

oh dah la. makin byk aku tulis makin serabut aku.

chowws.

そばにある永遠の影

2011-05-16T17:32:00.004+08:00

i have been listening to the same song since 5.30pm and i can listen to it for another ages.

ape yang patut aku buat sebenarnyer ek? ke mmg padan muka kat aku? kira pas ni kalau orang nak marah aku pun padan muka aku. if one day i regret this decision then padan muka aku. if one day everyone thinks im a jerk then padan lagi muka aku.

if one day aku menyesal sbb buat d wrong choice then padan muka aku. tapi selagi aku x pilih selagi tu hidup aku akan macam haram.

if one day aku stress sbb perangai die macam haram, padan muka aku or if one day aku sakit hati perangai life aku dgn die macam haram lagi padan muka aku. kalau one day aku menyesal every each day that i made the wrong decision, mmg seribu kali padan muka aku.

LIFE IS FULL OF SOME GODDAMNED RISKS. LIFE IS A HELL OF A GAMBLE.
AND RISKING LIFE IS ALSO A FORM OF GAMBLE. PERIOD.

am i supposed to give you a chance when the last thing i had was chances myself? how does that even make any sense? how am i supposed to know the right choice when i can even tell between the right one and the easy?

there's a chance that the easy one can be the right one but right is never easy..

if only life could b easier for me, it might as well be for you, but hey, life really sux at times. and dun blame me when urs dont work out well. i dindt blame u when mine didn't. i wish it was easier to talk to you, to work things out.

should i regret my stupidity, my greed and my hastiness? then i am well to regret u in my life.

there's no such things as easy decisions, especially when it concerns the future. and i may b procrastinating but hey, it ain't easy. and please stop pushing me around.

i know no matter how hard it is it has to be made, so save it. i know my probs aren't going to fade if i lay 3days of tears .

meniti keringat

2011-03-17T00:24:00.002+08:00

aku rasa kalau aku berjaya tulis nih sampai habis mungkin aku akan mengalami masalah pernafasan akibat menangis di bawah air-cond yang sejuk gila ni.

aku ingat lagi segala susah payah yang aku lalui demi mencapai matlamat aku waktu berumur 17 tahun tu. aku tusyen hampir setiap hari cuti sekolah pun aku bedal tusyen gak, aku x cuti. i was a big fat loser who went everywhere in uniform and a school bag on my shoulder. i was an inch closer to becoming a nerd, a total ass-geek with heavy spectacles........

and i got what i always wanted. overseas study opportunity..
and i studied so hard. and god knows what i went through to get to my place several days ago on my convo day. and few days later,

POOF...................

hell freezes over. setiap hari kat jad tu bagaikan setiap usaha membanting tulang untuk teruskan hidup. setiap usaha tu ibarat memikul beban yang berat meniti jambatan berduri. setiap beban itu umpama setiap duka di atas muka bumi ini yang digalas di bahu ini.

hiperbola kah aku?

mungkin.

tapi nak la aku ckp sebenarnya susah sgt nak sampai ke tahap ni. tp bila dah sampai ke tahap ni, jadi plak mcm ni............

kiranya aku kena blaja kt msia ni mmg ultimate sedih la. not worth all the effort i actually invested for

siapa bila dimana dan apa

2011-02-23T10:04:00.003+08:00

i have so long not met up a real life, two-legged pig who walks around making up stories abt me and sharing untrue stories abt me when all i did to her was being a friend when she needs one, listens to her prob when she had one and share friendly advices and all i get in the end was a pig-like eternal bond of so-called friendship. go figure.

let me share a few insight so some of these pigs can understand better. honestly i am very angry. i was angrier yesterday. i even broke my moisturizer bottle that i got for free and in real life it costs way over 200bux. and i left my mamee that i ate halfway on my bed and came back to tbp there were ants all over my bed. and i met that stupid doctor with his pregnant wife pretending not to see me . pregnant wife. PREGNANT. 3 KIDS, which i met and salam-ed. and i more to come from the big belly of the wife. and he's going around asking girls out on dates. okay i have met up a total jerk. and jerks like that i've met a couple of times before so i dun really mind dat much. but the problem was his wife was pregnant. it wouldnt be so bad if she was not pregnant. or not pretty. she's pretty and pregnant. what else could this greedy man ask for more?

so yes, i lied to a lot of people. i haven't been the perfect lady i wanted to be back in 2009. i have flaws and i lie too. tell me how many people havent been lying to save someone's else ass?
honestly i'm not trying to back my ass up. so i'm not trying to make myself look better by comparing myself with other people.

who here knows my side of the story? ciku, saufi. and anyone else? no. and anyone else who doesnt know the story from my side and make up stories abt me, yes those are stray pigs running around trying to mess with my life.

apa? let me tell u pigs out there, i have friends. in fact i can say i have more guy friends than girls. i keep my girls count low because i am a girl and i know how pig-ish girls can be. guys are more simple. but the thing is people starts having problems when i have more guy friends. they will start saying i main kayu tiga la, curang la whatshit. curang dgn sape? i broke up with that guy since november 2010 lagi. so why aku still with him and act like his girlfren?
tell me, how hard is it to completely break up and move from from someone u love so much? dah la depan mata tight. sedang kan kalau jauh pun susah gila babi, ni kan aku yang ada depan mata ni. aku pernah buat status facebook? NO, paling saitei a.k.a sengkek aku buat skali pun is buat those emoticons sedih la depressed la kejadah tu. no. so people starts to ignore my side of the story and listens to someone else yang actually write on facebook. right?

dimana? where in the world did these pigs come from. i wonder seriously. how can these pigs call me friends and behind my back making up stories about me? tell me what is so fun about making up stories about other people? all this while isay these pigs with all other guys, or having tea or whatshit with other guys did i even ask her boyfriend? no. i ask her straight if my curiosity gets the better of me. i ask her. so why is she so nosy to try to ask everyone else about me so much? has my life become a part of your hobby pig?

bila? when did this all happen? i dun really know. but what i do know is that this guy that people love to talk about so much and he hated so much, he's a friend of mine. been friends with him since uniten, almost like saufi, only saufi was lagi rapat. this pig i'm talking about knows about this guy. because i told her abt him. and in fact she told her about her ex i dun give a damn that much.

siapa? the two guys and the pig. sampai sekarang pun aku masih x da ape2 dgn these two guys. dulu after that night aku break dgn dia aku ada la nak make it up between both of us, but since he thinks that nothing happend that night and think i was the one who did bad things to him when i went out with my fren, he started making facebook status la apelah. tell me, kenapa x nak wat status pasal malam yang u gave my a bruise on my knee? a bruise under my eye? KENAPA X DA STATUS PASAL TU?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
ni mmg aku bengang. semua benda mmg salah aku. mmg aku manusia paling jahat dan hina skali dlm dunia ni. u gave me shit and ada aku buat status facebook? xda. my problem honestly bukan la status in facebook sbenarnya. cume the fact that u tell everyone how bad i was and everyone see me as bad. and u didnt tell everyone how bad u were and everyone thinks u are nice and i'm the bad guy.

aku da sampai genkai a.k.a limit da ni. kalau kau rasa kau baik sgt aku ni x da perasaan ke kau nak jaga? kau nak aku jg perasaan kau, dah tu aku cemana?
kalau da sampai point yang aku rasa ex pun annoying, kawan pun annoying. aku x da masalah to let go of both. aku ada byk lagi masalah yang korang couldnt care less about.

and that pig, i hope she lives ok. living out of making stories about other people isnt exactly the life everyone likes.

would have been a year...

2011-01-13T21:56:00.002+08:00

if things did not turn out this way.

and it's not really all smiles and laughs and everything.

to some it may have been just a simple spur of the moment kindda thing. but honestly, it really meant something to me. and not only that, it brings so much torment to leave a thing so valuable behind..

yeah, xnk tulis byk2 la, just so it ought to be remembered.

january 14th.

my immortal

2011-01-10T19:37:00.004+08:00

i wish that i have an answering machine though sometimes. not the phone call answering machine. i'm talking machines that can answer basically just about everything i have in mind.

then i'll first ask it:
"am i really doing the right thing?"

and i'll just sit back and wait for it to answer.

if there's any Santa Claus whatnot in this earth, please read my plea. i want an answering machine for.. er... new year?

*hopeful face, crossed fingers"

damn. khurafat nih!

but yeah, if there's anything i can wish for... er... new year, if u may, then it'll be an answering machine.

sigh. really this isn't the best time to be dealing with melancholic songs. it'll make me burst out the 'weight of the world' on my shoulder. damn. and i'm supposed to be what, a 20, lemme repeat that, 20 years old girl.

i'm not too excited in changing my age just yet. it's 10 past midnight, listening to yuna and i'm really crapping down here.

recent events, (read:recent) really made me think the worst of myself. my weaknesses and how i've handled them so far or what i've done about it.

and there was..... NONE. unfortunately.

for example, like, why m i always so reckless in my actions, am i unleashing too much of my inner child despite the aging number i carry around with me? why have i not apply what i've learned all the way up till now, from u-noe-who up to... well... basically now.

sometimes i keep my silence, beneath fighting my own faith, whether or not i was mistaken in my judgments... have i made the wrong choice, had i been blinded by future glimpse every now and then?

i have the nearest example to set. those who know me well enough would probably know who i'm talking about. the marriage that lasted for almost 30 years broken completely, as an effect to miscommunications and well... obviously... infidelity.

you may not truly know the person you have known for even 10 years. having to know differences exist and to co-habit with the differences may take some coping and getting used to.

this is never entirely easy. the journey of choosing the perfect diamond amongst other gemstones can be pretty tricky somehow. and i, had been given the chance, too have some serious problems.

i'm really not happy, if u may ask. i have started off a very bad new year. and the misfortunes follow me, still. and i haven't had the tiniest, slightest gut to stand up even on my very two feet.
shameful, haven't i been?

sometimes i got lost at the merest
'is this what u want?'

and ask me that and i swear i'll start pulling my hair in stress..

and don't bother getting on to
'choose the right path'

i will never figure that out. not under these preposterous incredulous circumstances, i think not.

i may have been misleading in my own judgments, i am sure. and sometimes, to hurt others because i was too prone to procrastinate on my decisions seems somewhat unfair to any related parties. and to have been in the shoes of the other parties would have been a terrible affair. what with my lingering around when i'm supposed to be gone. and my taking severe advantages all the times i was given the chances.

am i being insignificantly greedy?

damn.

sometimes i wish someone would stay by my side and tell me what to do. i need a pillar of strength, what with the hectic of moving to japan going through my head and causing my brainpower to go haywire all the way. speaking about that, i've been having dreams every night about myself in japan, it's almost nightmare.

....

maybe it's the reality i should try to learn to embrace. i know certain part of me refused to even forget the desire of having the fantasy lived into reality, yet the world really proved to be much too annoying to have an unnecessary drama being unfolded from thin air.
see, what the heck am i saying. jeez.

whatever it is that goes on, there'll always the thing that'll hold me back,

choosing from a box doesn't make it the best option.

and changing takes time. especially realizing the bad parts of urself aren't so much fanciable even by ur own self. and accepting others are easy on the outside, but take lots of time dealing with the differences. and thing is, it does hurt when u got to know that the person u've known for years may not be the person u really expected them to be...

and to not care so much as i've done before, to change that part of me is kindda hard, because i'll naturally care. comes from the deepest of me when i care though. and to change that would have to change everything....

and that may take some time.

en mémoire de 2010

2011-01-04T13:42:00.003+08:00

let us usher in the new 2011 in many different joyous expressions. i mean, it's not everyday we try to adapt to the new date.
but then it's not so different. months remain the same, the days of the months stay the way they were, only the year is different.
that's how i'd like to compare myself. the same old me. yet there is a difference.

how has 2010 been for me? that is a difficult number. i haven't had such a tough year before. in my 20 years of life that is. still pretty immature to say anything about life i guess.
but i know i had so many unaccomplished things in my twenty-ten. many had shared my happiness and joyous moments yet very few had been filled in on the not-so-joyous ones.

if i had to describe my twenty-ten in one word, i would say, my twenty-ten had been, well, "unaccomplished"

i remembered writing once about loss of loved ones about a year that had past and expecting more loss of loved ones in years to come, guess somehow it managed to have come true. even for a pitiful being like me. but as theyt say it, self-pity is no pity at all.

i've been battling my own feelings and alter ego in the late 2010 and somehow lost most of what i had built up in the early 2010. so being the unaccomplished year as it was, i realized that certain things are meant to happen but not to last. and no matter how hard we try against all the odds that come by, circumstances remains and must be taken into considerations nonetheless. therefor sometimes we must make the decision based on several heavy considerations.

and twenty-ten has thought me what it felt like to totally lose everything the moment i truly needed them and to start up from barely even a scratch and crumble again. what was it like to lose everything? it wasn't very fun, that i can tell u. losing even the slightest clue of what to do to losing the whole of conscience, losing pieces of broken heart to losing the whole of my heart.

sometimes during mid-last year, i felt that twenty-ten could be it, the real deal, yet what had seemed so close proved to have been the farthest thing i could ever have encountered.

and distortion of expectations never come easy for me. i hoped for different things and yet others come to life. and never once was it easy for me, and never think that i had it all under control. i never did, or ever will.

honestly i had made plenty of unforgettable memories in my own twenty-ten. most of which i am
afraid to let go. afraid that i'd lose my forte, afraid i'd lose my identity. memories of which some even managed to create a whole different me. some even shattered the 'me' they created. and in the end i was back to where i started, back to zero, and at some point i think i was at even a worse pace than zero.

i guess going back to zero was really a terrible thing that could have happened, all in one year. maybe god would not have wanted it to be long, so that the length doesn't hurt so much, and longer time spent would have meant more creations of memories harder to let go of.
but then again, it hurt so bad all the same.

what's so bad about twenty-ten then, other that misled expectation?

apart from having to finish the year off alone and the depressions that silhouetted me all holidays long, i think twenty-ten was a very2 improper year. was it the feng shui man? i wonder but, it was a real wreck. i feel like going back to being a 10-year-old, with 10-year-old habits, with surroundings of my 17-year-old life.

i wouldn't want to reminisce on that, i'd give it a pass.

i never imagined my 20-years-old would be this.... er.... messed up. it could never have been predicted that it would really finally came down to this man. starting back from scratch is really a big shit. i'm not kidding. but hell in hell, twenty-ten is over. and done for.

as i was saying ushering the new twenty-eleven wasn't that big of a thing. unless of course we ended the year we let pass a joyous one. celebrating the new year at the curve wasn't thaat big of a deal either, watching some 15-year-olds running around in a mess they call 'fashion' spraying god-knows-what-it-was on everyone and half way fighting off each other, they were definitely in a bigger mess that mine. but the thing is, they dun deem it trouble, they call it 'muda lah!'

what's my new year resolutions u may ask? as every year i never failed to conjure up many new resolutions, this year i'll just stick to one.

to stand up again from this fall and to learn from it, how u may have done better.

is that two? whatever. i think i'm gonna need a self-help book to accomplish that.

go figure.

p/s: there were 5 resolutions last year, i wanted to be more mature, no more swearwords n being a lady whatnot, and traveling around, i think i've somehow accomplished that, going thru what i had gone through in the past one year. but the emotion stuff, well, i kindda have to work harder for that one don't i. so, it's not really that unaccomplished year eh, 2010 was?

emosi tidak terkawal (ETT)

2011-01-02T21:21:00.001+08:00

Penyanyi: Razis Ismail
Tajuk Lirik Lagu: Kepulangan

Berlari menuju ke muka pintu
Seakan pasti suaramu
Yang terdengar
Sayup-sayup mesranya memanggilku

Berabad tak mendengar suaramu
Berbisik manja kepadaku
Yang terdengar
Cumalah hanya kalimah pemutus cinta

Gementar perasaanku
[ Kepulangan lyric found on www.lirik.my ]
Menyahut panggilanmu
Dan demi pintuku buka
Dihadapanku seorang wanita

Airmata bertitisan ke pipinya
Yang cengkung dan layu tak bermaya

Terharu ku mendengarkan nasibmu
Semenjak kau meniggalkanku
Apalah.. daya diri
Tiada kekosongan lagi

turn it off

2010-12-21T17:27:00.005+08:00

call me naive, call me an idiot, call me call me gullible. but none of the above can really describe just how stupid i had been since i first managed to say a word.

i know i haven't been the best of a person up until now. and all this while i thought that i will change when the right person comes along the way. seriously.

All this while i thought the people we come across in our lives, the people we meet would be the reason for us to change for the better. i mean, that's the reason why we need to find the right friends, the good ones, blah3x, so on and so forth. right?

YES, that is what i thought up until now. until the ripe 20 years of age, i really came about thinking that i would change when i meet the right person, who has enough power and strength and ability to change me.

and NO, because i finally know now that it simply isn't true.

honestly all i ever thought of was that one day a good Samaritan will come up to me and tell me that it's about time to change. and leads me in a good way possibly. and i guess that after believing in such faith for so long, having it destroyed in a mere second seem too painful too handle.

i mean, lets say, u believe that ur skincare product will actually help u to enhance the glow in ur face, whitens ur skin, even ur skin tone, and clears all the acne or bacteria etc from ur face, making it smooth and soft and supple and whatever else they promise u, but in the end all the skincare product really do is only to wash off all the dirt and neutralizes the sebum on the face.
and u paid good money for it all! paying the money was a waste altogether of course.
and the time and effort u put in for the soft and smooth skin u yearn so much.

maybe that was a bad example. but who cares, as long as i get my message across, then i'm contented.

speaking of being contented, here's another point of view. being contented doesn't always means u already managed to get everything u wanted in life, it simply means, letting go of all the impossible dreams and embrace the flaws in the making.

the only problem is living with regrets. not one of us wants to deliberately make mistakes. right?
we are human, and therefore bound to make even the silliest mistakes. it makes us all human. but here's the trick. u can live without mistakes, provided u never actually do ANYTHING, or simply think of the future, and deal with the present.

would u have wanted to have a lump of regret stuck on ur back while u walk around carrying it around for the rest of ur life?

YES, then be my guest, do all u want to do. and i promise i wont tell u "i told u so..."

NO, then here's the plan. prevention is ALWAYS better than cure.

but u know, being human has its disadvantages. sometimes we know that what we're doing is WRONG, yet the desire in ourselves sometimes gets the better of ourselves. and we follow the desire instead of listening to our conscience. oh, we all experience this. do we not?

and in the end comes the nonredeemable lost times, and the eternal regret that follow suit.
not to mention the never ending flashback, like a video, playing itself repeatedly, vividly in ur mind, constantly reminding u of every single details of the mistakes.

oh yes, we have that, dont we all.

people say time flies. and we forget as time goes by. i say time flies and forgetting is really not an option. it's the only way how u can constantly remind urself of how bad the consequences was the last time it happened.

there is an old saying that goes "the longer time u spend thinking about the past, lesser do u have to think of the future."

or maybe i just made that up myself. the point is, it's not really the time spent thinking of the past, it's the time spent constantly alerting ourselves that things could have been worse. much much worse.

sometimes i feel like going back. undo everything. but the thing is, if we had those chances then we'd have no trouble, we can do just about anything, and yet we need not worry a single thing. because we know if we make a mistake, there'll always be a chance to undo them.

but to make a mistake and to experience regrets and knowing that to some the mistake we made is a sin committed and is never forgivable, sometimes is too much a pain to bear.

we are not as complex as we thought we are. we make mistakes, we are sorry. end of story. but the thing is to some, the story began there. the moment we began to feel even the slightest sorry. being sorry sometimes isn't easy to describe. sorry can mean to forget it the moment u say it, and other times it means to be sorry and living with that sorry for the rest of our lives.

some people say, if u love em, let em go. and if u love em, u will wait. for whatever it is that comes along the way.

i know if i think back, i'd look at the world in a different perspective. i once looked at the world as a classroom and the people we meet is the teachers. now i've learn to realize, that the people are not teachers, we are. our past is.

if having fun is to have regrets following u around for the rest of ur life, fun's really not worth the act. and if making a mistake means to have the world look at u in a different way and knowing that the people u love may never forgive u for the things u've done, i'll give it a pass.

i have regrets. most of the things i knew was pure mistakes. and regrets will never leave my side. until i finally can embrace it. finally embrace the fact that whatever it is that i do, how funny the jokes are being told, or how busy i am with work, regrets will always stick around like a guardian angel to look out for me. sometimes it's madness really. keep thinking about it over and over and over and over again.

and i promise this time around, i'm gonna change. if the people around me aren't gonna change me, then i shall not rely on them. it's time to put myself up to that challenge.

and i shall never embrace my regrets, until i finally am able to change myself.

if only i was... stronger...

2010-12-12T01:52:00.002+08:00

kenapa ek... tuhan tolong lah aku... betul ke ape aku buat ni...

sakit nya hati.. sakit nya jiwa...

tuhan tolong la aku... i just...

i miss u...

2010-11-26T18:21:00.003+08:00

i miss ur sincere smile
u gave when u see me after a hard day,
i miss ur smell
whenever u walk pass me,
i miss ur every touch
that u gave when i feel down and upset,
i miss ur every move
that u make every time u r with me

i miss the way u call my name
coz i know i cant hear it anymore
i pretended no to hear u
so that u'll call me again..

i miss ur hugs
in the deepest darkest valley i travel,
i travel with u..

i miss ur every sound
the simplest grunt when u're asleep
and the loudest when u're angry.

sometimes i look away, so that it doesnt hurt so much.
sometimes i miss u too much that it hurts so bad.
sometimes i miss u so much i want to just hug u
and say lets just forget everything.
sometimes i look away, so that whenever i feel like hugging u
my thoughts stray away.

i swear i miss u.
that even when u sit next to me
i miss u.
and if u can hear my heart beats,
they long for u,

i want to be with u,
yet the farthest i can go is here
and though there's so much to say,
there's only so much i can do..

hati yang terluka

2010-11-24T20:55:00.002+08:00

sometimes kita berdoa, semoga Allah bagi kekuatan untuk kita, untuk kita belajar, untuk kita tempuhi dugaan harian, untuk ape2 la bila kita rasa x kuat untuk hadapi sesuatu.

kadang2 doa kita tak termakbul. mungkin sebab kita tak cukup berusaha, atau kita dah dapat kekuatan tu, tapi kita x bersyukur.

manusia x pernah lari dari masalah. aku adalah manusia, maka aku juga banyak masalah. aku ni x da la baik mana. tapi aku rasa selagi aku x buat jahat kat orang tu kira okay la kan~

sesungguhnya ada 4 golongan manusia yang termasuk syurga, iaitu manusia yang menyembunyikan kelebihan, kesakitan, musibah dan juga manusia yang menyembunyikan sedekah.

kalau nak ikut hati, nak jer aku balas semua ape yang orang buat kat aku. tapi bagiaku,selagi aku masih mempunyai kekuatan untuk menahan nafsu syaitan aku tu, aku tahan, and that's why bagi aku, kekuatan tu adalah satu perkara yang paling susah untuk dapat, sbb die makin berkurang lepas aku guna.

aku sakit mata, sakit hati, sakit jiwa tau x bila orang buat cemtu. aku tahu la kau sedih meroyan ke ape ke. tapi untuk buat benda tu public, tu aku rasa x perlu. sebab apabila kau memalukan orang lain apabila kau membuatnya automatically perkara itu menjadi salah even in Islam right?
that's why ada orang kata Facebook tu haram. sbb dia boleh menabur fitnah.
not my problem. so suka hati la bagi sesiapa yang menabur fitnah tu, ingat2 la.

tell u what. aku sedih jugak. and for ur information, maybe aku lagi sedih dari kau. menahan telinga daripada bebelan ibunda yang xbagi aku teruskan benda ni, and mendengar kata2 kawan2 yang menasihati aku supaya jgn kawan dgn kau lagi, berusaha melawan diri sendiri menahan perasaan sedih bila berdepan dgn kau, menahan diri dari terus menerpa dan kembali meminta secebis kasih dari kau. berusaha lupakan ape dah berlaku malam tu, and berusaha untuk melupakan the fact that walaupun kau dah buat benda2 cemtu aku still nak kawan dgn ko lagi sbb aku sayang gila babi kat kau, and menahan pedih hati ni bila kau x kisah pun the fact that i still try to jaga ur fucking face to pakcik tahir sume. everyone talks to me, and i smile.

everyone talks to u and u deny.

just another proof why all my efforts were such a fucking waste. but thanx anyway. today, u broke my heart to the whole. sometimes i wonder how my heart gets broken when it's not even whole. i mean, i took up this whole week to try to get back my momentum and bang! another one bites the dust.

sebenarnya kan, walaupun aku kata aku x kisah la dorang nak pikir ape kejadah nya pasal aku, aku x kesah, the fact is yes, i do care.

u noe why? because it came from u.

the person i try too hard to care for, too hard to look out for, too hard too lie for, in fact too hard to die for. i died little by little trying to spare u the shame and u dont even bother to spare me those.

yes. i am a very bad person. i broke ur heart. that doesnt mean i didnt suffer half as bad as u. okay. atleast i try my best to make it up. oh u dun even want to look down on ur own self and tell me u did something wrong that night, u put it all on me. brother, i made a mistake that night. i made a mistake all the way, but tell u what, not all mistakes are mine. u have ur shares too. and damn u dun even want to admit it.

sampai hari ni, kau buat macam tu kat aku, baru aku rasa apa sebnarnya hasil daripada usaha penat lelah dan doa aku selama ni. aku x kuat, yes. tapi aku tahu kalau kau tolong aku ak boleh jadi kuat, tapi tadi kau dah buktikan just how stupid and foolish i was.

to even try to live up to that stupid expectation and to even try to begin with a smile. aku x kuat dah la. kau nak ckp pasal benda ni, aku x kuat. kau nak bitau smue orang kat facebook go ahead. walaupun semua orang akan ingat yang aku ni jahat, aku la jahat, aku yang sebabkan ko sedih sume bullshit tu, the truth still remain with me for as long as i live.

and selagi aku masih kuat untuk simpan cerita tu, selagi tu aku x kan cerita. sekalipun aku sedih gila malam ni bagai nak cabut jer perasaan ni so that aku ni heartless, selagi airmata ni ni boleh buat penahan musibah ni,selagi tu aku akan try to keep it to myself. biar lah orang nak fikir ape.

thanks for everything. no one ever broke me like u did today.

and there goes...

2010-11-20T17:37:00.002+08:00

sometimes we wake up
and thought that today
will never end,
we smile,
just so god can give us strength
even when the body is weak
and legs cannot bear the weight
we braced the pain and walked on.
just so today can be another day.

sometimes we let go.
of the things most precious to us,
as life had want it to go,
of so life has something better in return
sometimes we hold on.
when letting go gets to painful,
when the mouth speaks
the heart often cries for help.

most of the time we laugh.
yet laughter never looked like us.
as if there are two
and hearts so unlikely.

sometimes we look
and looking was too painful to bear,
and we looked away.
though the heart cries for more
and the heart hurts so bad it dies,
but there was nothing to do
other than to look away

sometimes we dont want to stray
yet circumstances never give ways
that even the sturdiest can turn faint

sometimes what others say hurt
but what he says hurts more than anything
and sometimes calling back is not an option,
for calling back means to recall and repeat.

sometimes it's better to keep quiet
if words could not make it better
and words only worsen
sometimes time is all we need
yet sometimes time never heal...

InsyaAllah...

2010-11-18T19:02:00.003+08:00

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That your so alone
All you is see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can’t see which way to go
Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Everytime you commit one more mistake
You feel you can’t repent
And that its way too late
Your’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame

Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Turn to Allah
He’s never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps don’t let me go astray
You’re the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way x2
Insyaallah x3
Insya Allah we’ll find the way

(credits: Artist: Maher Zain
Album: Thank You Allah

http://www.islamiclyrics.net/maher-zain/insha-allah/)

**************************************************

first of all, aku nak convey my greatest gratitude kepada cik NURUL NADIRAH yang mendengar bebelan kisah novel melayu aku selama more than sejam di telefon~ thank you sayang.

tanpa kau, aku tak rasa aku boleh kuatkan diri aku. hari ni, mood aku lebih baik dari 4~5 hari lpas, Alhamdulillah. aku mungkin x sekuat itu untuk bangun balik, tapi ciku macam dah memberi sebelah tangan untuk bantu aku duduk semula. thanks babe. aku sgt terharu. akku rasa nak lari n peluk kau puas2~ sayang kau sgt.

YOU MAY NOT BE a best friend, but u're my frens day and night, awake and asleep, life and thereafter, dunia dan akhirat yang kekal abadi. thanx babe, sudi dgr aku cerita, sudi nangis dengar cerita aku, sudi memahami hati yg sebak dan lemah ni, and offer advice yg walaupun org lain dah bagi, tp bila datang nya dari kau, aku rasa lagi kuat.

kau macam my pillar of strength, my faith in the darkness, my saving grace in my sorrow and the best gift GOD can ever give that i frequently forgot to appreciate.

thanx sayang, aku dah faham sekarang apa erti seorang teman bila kita perlukan. aku dah faham kenapa sakit bila kita terpaksa kuatkan diri padahal kita x kuat. aku dah faham sekarang~

i'm so thankful for ur presence, for shall there not be u, there shall be no strength for me to continue anymore.

thanks sayang. i'll try my best and stand up again... :) thanx ciku~

InsyaAllah~

hidup ni bagaikan....

2010-11-15T17:51:00.002+08:00

hidup ni macam sgt malang?
lipbalm kesayangan ku termasuk dlm mesin basuh (probably people who reads this will wonder how that even happened) dan setelah keluar dari mesin, die dah menjadi lembik dan benyek?

ah malangnya nasib. aku amat sedih dgn lipbalm itu. mugkinkah aku perlu beli yg baru?

hidup ni macam... air sirap. rasa mcm air sirap yang mak aku buat sgt sedap dan colour x kuat sgt. lain dgn kedai. dah la merah menyala~ pastu rasa mcm pewarna~

what i wanted to say was basically, there's always a safe side of life and another real side of life. i used to be on the safe side for so long and i didn't even realize that. i used to think that my life could not be anymore "real". while my friend was facing that real side of life, i was busy changing her lanes. how childish of me.

tp skarang aku rasa ape yg dia rasa.. and clearly it's hard. but was it my fault? to find salvation in the midst of agony?

i know it's hard. and i can tell it's hard. but it's so much harder when u try to keep it low. and yes it's hard because 'one person has no other friend nor companion but the shadows all around' and these shadows do nothing but to tear the faith apart.

aku ke yg salah...

it's hard for me too. it's harder when u put it all on me, not taking a single blame.

ahhh malang nyaaa~

bila la aku nak ok ni agaknye... when will it ever gonna be ok? oh jawapan....

katil dah mcm almari, almari dah mcm bawah katil

2010-11-13T23:37:00.004+08:00

ay ni dah post ketiga hari ni~ apasal mcm lg teruk dari dulu jer~

sigh.
tp rasa cem dah ok sket. nak nanges pun air mata x nak keluar. so i figured tu dah okay la kan?
haha~

damn! mlm ni mcm ada liverpool game.
blog, jom tgk bola~ hm katner nak cari ek..... hm~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh btw lebam kat lutut aku ni dah menjadi2. haha~ takut gak tgk~ mcm nak upload gmbr.

*******keseriusan lutut ku*******

sebenarnya sabtu ahad ni boleh la aku berkawan2 dgn blog aku ni~ tp hari isnin ni kanggggggg.....
hm
susah rupenyer hidup ni~
hahah

"i miss the old ely" hahahahah~ u noe that girl? yeah. tell me about it. damn, i missed her too.

"do you want me to stay out of ur life?" seriously? this sounds more like finding reasons to fight more than reasons to make up.

i'm really sorry. apparently i'm the bitch they've all been talking about.

"i dont deserve to be with you" haha, wait, i should be saying that. see, the one who should be practically singing that words around should be no one but me. moi. ja. ana~

not u.

it's not that i dun want to talk to u. i'm just not ready for any human interaction right now.

my fren said

"もう3年間待ったので、後少しい待たせばかまわないだろう"

i would really like to believe that. otherwise i really dont know what else to believe~

dang! haha

huh~ i really need some serious spa, mani pedi and full body massage.

guess it's just d two of us

2010-11-13T21:03:00.002+08:00

blog.

it's almost like last time. the time i faced a very bad post-break-up period. way back in 2008.

guess it's just the two of us, blog.
blog was my only best friend back then. who am i kidding. guess that fact never really changed.

talk about dejavu~

sigh.

後。。。

2010-11-13T17:22:00.002+08:00

後少しい3年間になるか。。。

ここまでは、昔は昔、今日は今日にする。だから最近、自分が作った問題を自分で解決しろ!　もう、人に頼りなく自分の手でやり、自分の足で走れ!

とにかく問題から逃げるのがもうやめろ!

もう昔に「さよなら」を言うの。
もう今日からは新しい日々になる。昔にはもう戻れないじゃん。バカやろ。

友達が言ってくれたんだ、「自分の将来を考えるのは自分でないと誰もやってくれない。一方ずつ前へ、友達いなくてもできるから、人に頼らないで、自分の力を使って、精神力を作り出せ!」

「もう3年間待ったので、あと少しい待てばかまわないやろ。」　だから俺もがんばろうか。

心が弱くても今のころには、そこからありがたいことを伝えたい。

selamat ulangtahun sayang

2010-11-03T17:44:00.002+08:00

dengan ini beta menitahkan hari ini semua org cuti dlm kayangan. kerana pada hari ini, saorang hamba Allah telah dilahirkan ke dunia, 20 tahun lalu!!!!!!!!!!

CIK NURUL NADIRAH DARI KAJANG!!!!!!!

haha. aku hope kau baca post ni ek.

sesungguhnya tiada yg lebih berharga dari ini aku mampu beri kepada kau wahai teman, walau hanya sekadar kata-kata yang manis didengari, dan hanya sekadar beberapa bit sahaja tertanamnya post ini dalam dunia algorithm internet ni (oh ayat ku... T_T)

tapi ini sahaja yg mampu aku kirimkan, nak dicapai tangan x sampai, nak diambil pula x berdaya. hoho~ aku dah mula bermadah syahdu ni~~~~~

dikenali dgn nama ciku, die memang x mcm buah ciku. sedap pun x mcm buah ciku. warna pun x gak. tp manis mcm ciku dan sentiasa sedia dimakan bila2 masa!

hahaha. ciku ni suka kat flora dan fauna. nak kata gadis hutan x gak. gadis buluh betong pun harapnya bukan la~ tp die selalu bawak aku g tempat2 yg best.

ciku ni plak suka call org. org free ke tak die belasah jer telefon gak! haha, TAPI, sebab tu la aku sayang die!!!!!! die selalu igt kat aku!

pastu ciku ni suka giler tulis blog! masyallah~ kalau tulis meleret!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tapi best sgt baca post2 die. sbb boleh aku tau die buat ape walau aku sibuk! pastu pernah die tulis post utk aku, aku baca dan terharu sampai menangis~

walaupun ciku ni byk la kejahatan die. tp aku tetap sayang die! hahahah

hari jadi ciku = hari mengutuk ciku!!!!!!!!!!!

P/S: ciku ciku... jangan marah tau! aku x mo buat post sedey2 sb nant kau nangis cem aku~ so aku buat post yg kutuk kau supaya kau boelh gelak! tp jgn terasa! sbb aku tulis balik kenapa walaupun kau jahat dan byk kekurangan, aku TETAP SAYANG KAU!

ur flaws make u human, and to be human enables me to love u with all my heart~
~~~~originally Ely~~~~

P/S kedua: kalau kau xpuas hati, bday aku nant kau boleh kutuk aku balik! hahaha. plus, mesti hari ni semua org ckp baik2 jer pasal kau. aku nak buat kelainan sket!

saya sayang ciku saya~~~~~~~~
selamat ulang tahun sayang~~~ 20 years of age never hurt anyone!

tuhan tolong aku...

2010-11-01T17:37:00.003+08:00

Mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
Mengagumi tanpa dicintai
Tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
Dengan hidupmu, dalam hidupmu

Telah lama ku pendam perasaan itu
Menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
Tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
Bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

[Reff:]
Ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
Meski ku tunggu hingga hujung waktuku
Dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
Dan izinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
Tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
Dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja

*********************************************************************
aku xtau pun nape lagu ni asyik terputar2 dlm kepala aku~ nak kata terkena pada aku x da la plak~

mungkin dah tiba masa aku membuat pilihan. selama ni aku dok lari sana sini. masalah apa pun x selesai. ye, mungkin dah tiba masa itu.

who am i kidding. pilihan?
ape pilihan yg aku kata nih?

okay, aku mmg nak btau yg pilihan tu untuk dibuat memang sukar gila.

mana boleh suruh aku lpaskan satu benda yg paling aku sayang dlm dunia ni just so aku boleh simpan the other? tp itu la kebenaran nya.

aku tak boleh tamak, people will say. yes. aku tamak.
unfortunately PEOPLE tak rasa ape yg aku rasa. aku bukan budak 17 tahun nak ada drama2 cinta mcm ni.

aku mahu memilih. cuma xbisa.

aku pilih, aku suffer beb! diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak!

mungkin org rasa aku bertuah, memiliki apa yg tidak semua org boleh memiliki. aku mmg the chosen lucky few who got it all.

but behind every smile and every loud laughter i produce, there's always another tear coming.
now that is a reason for me to laugh real hard eh?

aku nak mintak maaf. pada diri aku sendiri. pada benda2 yang aku miliki yang aku cuba pertahankan dan x mahu hilang.

aku nak mintak maaf pada semua org yg terlibat dalam masalah diri aku sendiri.

aku nak lari. tapi somehow ada jer suara yg x berapa nak merdu dlm otak aku ni yg btau aku "sampai bila nak lari beb, bukan selesai masalah. lari la ko ke penang, jepun skali pun. masalah tu makin lama ko tangguh makin besar"

Mak... kalau nak ikut, dlm hal cemni, mak aku mmg bias. berat sebelah. coz aku tahu dia pilih yang mana. dats why ak x nk tny mak aku.

it's not easy. x mudah and very tough decision to make. kene depend on keadaan, masalah nya byk keadaan yg menyebabkan aku x ley memilih.

masalah ni aku yg cari sendiri.. aku tahu. n memandangkan aku yg cari sendiri, mungkin aku perlu ketuk kepala aku sendiri untuk sedar yg aku kene selesai kan masalah ni.

so god please help me....

all praises to Allah...

2010-10-31T21:20:00.002+08:00

esok isnin, november 1st, 2010.
esok presentation.

hari rabu, november 3rd, 2010.
aku ada mock interview (mogi mensetsu shikenn) utk juuken takudai
mcm kena hantar seigyou pny hw.

hari khamis, november 4th, 2010.
ak ada test ryuutai.

hidup dan CUTI yg sempurna di JAD adalah satu perkara yg, unfortunately, MUSTAHIL

imagination resurrected

2010-10-28T18:08:00.002+08:00

there was that point in my life i actually had to leave behind my imaginary friends. yeah, i have imaginary friends.

And a 20-year-old admitting herself to have imaginary friends are surreal.

"get outta town Ely." people will just think. but honestly speaking, who doesn't have imaginary friends?

the one who u talk to most of the time in ur brain, making calculative decisions and so on and so forth. yeah.

but i had more than that. i had friends to help me vision things many people just choose to ignore.
i had friends who helped me explore the "road not taken" and all things indescribable by mere words.

but i left all that when i joined jad.
seriously.

and i kindda miss them sometimes. and lately, i had this friend(a real one, not imaginary) who told me to go back to who i was before jad. be friends with the lost friends, reconnect.

and i was like. "i wonder if i can ever be the same person..." and i remembered this old saying that goes

"no matter how long we leave our mother tongue, it is never truly forgotten"

okay i made that one up, ANYWAY, the point is, the things we grow up with, we'll soon forget them because it fades away with time, but whenever dejavu hits, an instant reminder comes around like flashes of vivid memories~

and that is how i'd like to equate my friendships with these imaginary friends. i might have left them. but they never truly left me.

HOPEFULLY

hahaha~~~

************************************

"u gotta be shitting me dude!" Derek said, hitting my shoulder so hard it was almost revenge.
"Carter can't be her. she's no Casey." he continued in another disbelief.
"Yeah, u tell me." Avery said indifferent, turned on his back to look off the glass window that overlooks the grounds of NYU. "but she's the one. Jamie's the only one who can help me out on this, i mean, look at her. she's perfect." he said gesturing a brunette-haired, lively freshman talking to her friend.
"She is a girl on scholarship dude for crying out loud" Derek said desperately in his attempt to stop Avery who was walking away.
"dude, lay off!" Avery shouted in the hall of NYU. everyone looked at the two of them. Avery looked around in anger, turned back and walked away.

*******************************************

paranoia attack... Really?

2010-10-26T17:31:00.002+08:00

WARNING : TOO MANY CLICHES ARE USED IN THIS POST.

tell me who haven't heard enuf of "smoking causes lung cancer" "smoking fills the lung with nicotine" "smoking causes the lung to darken as tar is sucked into the lungs"... etc etc... so and so.. this and that..

all. this. bullshits.

tell me. who has actually experienced the death of a loved one BECAUSE OF SMOKING HABITS?

i can tell many who have not experienced the death bells, will tell me

"get out of my ass" OR "none of ur bloody beeswax"

at the sroke of my telling them

"smoking is really bad for health."

yes. i am indeed a nosy old hag, a true pain is the asshole. yes. i couldn't agree more.
indeed, no one knows just how my uncle who used to call "melin melin" a name that has no similarity whatsoever to my real name and brought no significance to me until i heard it no more since a few years back.

or in fact no one would really thought that a smoker-hater like me has a father who has a heavy smoking habit.

and at the sight of my whining "oh, i cant stand smoke, it just gets stuck in my hair and it smells really bad" or "oh i cant stand smoke, it makes me all dizzy" or "oh smokers are so smelly" or "oh smokers have a very bad breath!" people may think i am such an annoying HYPOCRITE gullible baby.

or else why would i react to smokers in such ways when i have a father who smoke on a daily basis?

"the secondary smoke from a burning cigarette of a smoker, contains dangerous poisons in higher concentrations and any non-smoker who inhales such fumes are riskier than non-smokers."

i am a not-so-proud secondary smoker. my life span is decreased by the people around me. and i have the least of power to do anything about it. it's almost like u are sitting on a chair merely watching two people fighting, trying to stab each other with a knife and in the end u get stabbed and die in vain because the knife flew off their hands.

i try to live my life healthy, and the people around me are not very helpful. they are in fact trying to make me join them in their quest of dying early.

tell me the tendency of getting hurt by the one we love most in the world?

far much greater than the ones we have all around.

"Although nicotine does play a role in acute episodes of some diseases (including stroke, impotence, and heart disease) by its stimulation of adrenaline release, which raises blood pressure,^[49] heart rate, and free fatty acids, the most serious longer term effects are more the result of the products of the smouldering combustion process." source:wikipedia

combustion? like engine-combustion? seriously.

honestly speaking, i have friends who smoke. and guess what. i really don't care. as long as they dont smoke in front of me and not butt in to my beeswax, i'm fine with it, u wanna die early, by all means, go ahead.

but to me, the one i care about, the one i actually gave a part of my lopsided heart to, is the one i would really try to highlight.

"Male and female smokers lose an average of 13.2 and 14.5 years of life, respectively."

i can be angry, i can shout and scream. yes. but now, i'm telling a story from the deepest bottom part of my heart.

whenever i see an old man, with white hair and practically shivering while walking slowly because the knees and bones are not strong enough to hold his body weight anymore, holding hands with his wife, also white-haired, eyes almost closed due to formations of wrinkles above the eyes, i don't see death following them.

what i see was the opportunity that my "melin melin" uncle lost. i see my dad walking out on that chance.

but yes, i see true happiness.

and whenever i see that kind of people walking hand-in-hand, i picture myself too sometimes.
i want to have a healthy lifestyle with my own family. i will not let my baby smoke. god help me.

i want to grow old with my hubby. walk hand-in-hand on the beach, at the park, in shopping malls.

i mean, picture yourself with ur future wife la kan. u can call me nenek yang suka membebel or whatevershits.

but seriously, is life really that long to cut it short? is ur love really that unimportant to lose out early?

###P/S: kepada sesiapa yg rasa aku telah menggunakan perkataan yg kurang ajar whatsoever, oh. what do i care, this is my fucken blog.

A worn-out piece

2010-10-19T20:40:00.002+08:00

i want to cry,
but there are no tears to spill
there was a piece i tried to build,
and tried to gather my army
and have them by my side,
to hold me up so i stand
sturdy and firm
against the soft ground
but i what i didn't realize
was that underneath all those
sturdy support,
were merely fragile and brittle
pieces of sticks.
so what have i done all this while?
was trying to be someone i longed to be
a great sin i should evade attempting?

i'm really tired.
i really wish i can run away.

if running away would be the better option
then let me escape.
if everything i do is wrong
then stop bothering.
i'm tired of trying to be the one in the middle,
having to deal with each and every
single tiny petty things.

i know there is a voice calling me.
and yet i failed to catch the owner.
i see lights on the other side
and as i run it went away
how do i try if no one would let me succeed?
how do i stand if everyone keep making me sit down.

do i have what it takes to be here?
here in the deepest part of u
no one ever ventured into?
if i am already there then show me a proof.
if i cant be there stop hanging me around
i cant stay where i have no ground to stand on,
where i have no railings to hold onto.

u were my saving grace.
my faith when all is lost
u were everything
and now u are gone
and i am back to where i was.

i'm so tired...
tired of being the one in the middle.

try and change me

2010-10-10T15:40:00.002+08:00

**************************************************************************************

be it he, or be it thee, someday thou hast to choose. and hearts will break for if thou chooses either or neither.
-anonymous

**************************************************************************************

somehow i dun usually try to think too much about my future. sometimes i let time do the thinking and i let my future be jeopardized by my ignorance.

yea, somehow i will hav to choose the best for my battle. and who wins and who loses, that is not a decision time will make or anyone else. it's mine to carry on my shoulders.

tell me if it was a wrong decision in the very beginning. tell me if i made the wrong speculations and end up being in a hot soup.

************************************************************************************

"promise you wont leave me"

************************************************************************************

ayat ni x pernah x bermakna bagi aku. i used to say it to my once BESTest fren in the whole wide world. but then bila ayat tu diberi kepada aku, aku rasa berat lak.

it's a promise. it's a word we say to prove our honesty and reliability.

itu satu amanah. amanah itu satu tanggung jawab yg berat.

ak serabut la. honestly, i'm trying my very best. so tell me where was my mistake? if time had taken me to a path i dun noe where, probably god wanted me to be there. it was not by probable accident, but because it was meant to be

and meant to be was a destiny led by choices.

************************************************************************************
'think of ur future. u cant live there someday!
************************************************************************************

yes. i hereby declare my hesitance to live there someday. and i have to admit, altho it pains me to do so, that most of the time. whatever he said was true. and i'm like trying to cope up with
two most brilliant minds and at the same time trying to live my own life and trying to handle everything else around me.

************************************************************************************

We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity.

- Barbara De Angelis

************************************************************************************

finding courage can't be a simple task. honestly. and yes courage does not always come from a strong heart. and my heart is not strong. it's not whole. and therefore no, i dun have enuff courage.

it's not that easy to always try to put on a smiley face in the most difficult times. and i try smiling just so no one else would be sad. and in the end i get messed up and feel all depressed.

i'm not complaining though. when i smile even when i'm not that happy, and get a smile in return, it's enuff to brighten my dimmy dark mind. and seriously, if i did bag a laughter, that's enuff to make me forget anything.

so tell me. why i'm all moody lately? seriously. i came to this junction where everything i do is wrong and everyone else is giving me hard times.

and WHY DO I KEEP COMING TO THE SAME JUNCTION????????

i have been thru this before. and here i am again............

************************************************************************************

if it was me, i wouldn't have done that....

************************************************************************************

life's never always about yourself

2010-10-02T10:08:00.002+08:00

*****************************************************************************************

"tgh makan nih." i said to my mum.
"ye lah mak tau..... dgn siapa?" my mum asked. later on when i answered her, she replied solemnly
"u remember what we talked about last time?" i felt the sudden seriousness in her voice...

*****************************************************************************************

actually i didnt mean to write this. because it may not b the best subject to write on. but i'm gonna write what i felt through out the whole conversation-with-my-mum thingy.

selama aku hidup kan la, i nvr really include anyone in my decision-making times. i mean, most of the time my parents weren't around and my elder sister was too busy handling her own stuffs i had to do most of my stuff alone.

so yeah, not even my mum. and having growing up with that kind of exercise, i tend to don't rely on others to make decisions. and i tend to think that making decisions really is for your self, no one should really try to butt in or meddle with ur life.

so lately probably i've been straying away from the life i led this whole year, and lately mum had seen most parts of my life.

but last night was different. dfferent sgt...

slama nih aku igt ape yg aku buat tu aku punya suka la. i mean bukan ak x responsible for my own actions, no. but more to 'no one butts into my life'.

and sselama ni ape yg aku buat tu ak rasa betul la sebab x da sape nak betulkan aku. tp bile die ckp
"u remember what we talked about last time"
ak rasa sedih giler.

i mean, never in my life she tries to meddle in, suddenly die ckp cemtu aku rasa sedih giler.
i mean slama ni aku x rasa bersalah buat mcm tu, and bile die sound tu rasa cem bersalah giler, and rasa kesian to the effected party. aku kesian sgt kat die. seyes.

die baik. baik sgt.. and ak rasa bersalah sgt. aiy.

serabut kepala otak aku.............................................................

what is it that i want?

2010-09-05T12:24:00.002+08:00

oh god... feels like ages since i wrote my last blog... i've been busy, yeah, i'm not the type to write when i have free time, more like i write when i have SOMETHING to write. provided i have the time. :)

so JAD dah start cuti.. just that i havent start taking any holidays from restless brain activities.
and sad to say sbnarnyer lately ni, i kept thinking about him. i dun noe why. i mean, it just keeps popping into my mind and it's kindda disturbing.

and lately ni ak asyik fikir benda2 yang x patut jer.. things i havent really accomplished or experienced in my life. things that's really complicated and not adjustable for that matter. aku mcm asyik berfikir jer all the time sampai somtimes mlm2 x ley tdo sbb restless sgt.

and suddenly i don't want to go to japan anymore. the closer the time gets, the more hesitant i became. i just dun get why this is happening.

honestly, i have everything i need in my life right now. to think of it as rational thinking la kan, i have everything i need. so what the hell is this annoying thick fog of regret doing around me?
i mean x kisah la, everyone has something to regret about, but this is like a storm of past memories playing back to back across my mind, and there's no STOP button to stop it!

tell me this is just another start of my menstrual cycle and i'll be happy enough to embrace it.

and i don't know what's wrong with him. i really really like him, but i get the feeling he's running away from me. what have i done wrong?

am i too selfish for keeping him in my clutches while he tries so desperately to breathe and i enjoy my time lazing with other people?

am i too selfish for wanting him right by my side all the time while i only mind his presence when i truly need his help?

as a matter of fact, yeah. i guess i'm too selfish.

WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT?

honestly, i don't know.. i have too many questions and too little clues in my life to solve it. and it's rather frustrating that i can't answer simple questions for my own self!

these all go back to one simple problem. i mean they all seriously rooted from one simple mind trick.

what does it feel like to be on the other side?

sounds too much no? i mean, i can't deny that what i want in the first place was just purely GREED. and wanting too much and not being thankful for what i am blessed with.

am i NOT thankful? i am thankful u noe, sometimes i try to be an optimist in every situation, i think the best out of almost everything. so much that sometimes i feel that i need a break and a reward for being such an optimist.

am i greedy? probably. i wanted to be here and now i'm tired. tired of everything. and now i want a change. i want to be on the other side and try the life and what it's like to be on the OTHER side. but who wouldn't be tired with all this hassle? ok, maybe it's just me, but hey, i have a life, wait HAD a fun life and it's all gone.

am i asking for too much? yeah, maybe. i think too much. seriously, i think too much, and trying to grow up too fast. and that is a problem. i'm not letting my life flow naturally and wanting to rush at everything so bad it hurts.

and yet in the end, it all comes back to one thing. trying to grow up too fast, thinking too much and letting greed take over my rationality. well, THREE THINGS.

and in the end x da pun solution yg aku dpt utk solve masalah negara aku ni... i need all the help that i need..

and if only u r reading this although i noe it's not possible that u are reading this, i hope u'd come back. i really need u..

the other side of the moon

2010-07-16T19:46:00.002+08:00

sbnarnyer kalu nak ikut kan hati ni, mmg aku dah nangis kuat2 terjun bangunan tbp nih. sbb kadang2 tu mcm x da strength pun nak go on. i mean, in order to be able to make it thru bad time u gotta find strength from the happiest moment. but then again, when there's no happiest moment, how do i find even the tiniest bit of strength?

aku rasa ak adalah manusia yg sgt kesah dgn everything dat goes on around me. something yg sgt kecik pun kalu goes wrong ak akan sgt marah n mengamuk2 mcm ape.

and to me utk menjadi seorang yg x kesah tu adalah satu cabaran yg sgt la besar. kalu nak ikut hati, mau gak aku nangis2 tulis menda ni. tp kan patut ke ak x kesah. walaupun ak sgt kesah?

to me if ak ada something tu ak nak treasure for life r. and x kesah r jadi ape pun.

cume mcm agak sedih la bila kita sedar sendiri yg da sampai satu time tu mcm dah x diperlukan. sedih la kan. sape x sedih.
huhu

pastu kalu nak jadi sumone yg x kesah pun penat giler. bila x ley nak sakit hati or mengamuk, nanti simpan perasaan tu sorg2.

argh the harsh reality of life....

a new leaf left unturned..like i care.

2010-07-08T18:06:00.002+08:00

okay i'm having that peak time again.
the not so safe time of the month to annoy me.
plus the depression from the upcoming exam.

i need a change la. come on la. this place seriously freaks me out.
i need some time out.

man~
it's almost like that time in form 5 when i desperately needed to leave the house.
and left the house to be here. in batu 3.

hahahahah~ so much for trying to run away from home. what a laugh. i'm now less than half an hour from home. how's that far from home?

but that was way before i learn sum few things i never had the chance to.
then i realized i dun want to be far from home. this is home. home is where my loved ones are...

i'm talking craps again....

damn. tension la siut nak exam. especially tension bila kau x prepare sehabuk pun lg~ arghhh...

kepada sesapa kat luar tu, aku x kesah r ko nak ckp per pasal aku. slagi aku hdup dgn betul, buat ape yg aku patut buat, aku happy. plus, this life we're living, it ain't forever. like jad, it WILL end.

so slagi aku hidup ni aku nak buat ape yg aku patut buat tu dgn sebaik mungkin. xkira ar ak penat giler ke ape, yg penting kerja aku ada quality.

slagi kau ada connection dgn aku, aku nak kau kerja baik2, work with me. it ain't forever.

when u're done with me, u can crap around behind my back, talk la all u want. i dun give any shit.

oh. aku x kesah r. bak kata dayah, SISSY~

i like~

that's it

2010-05-02T21:46:00.002+08:00

ok
that's it.
I AM DONE TRYING.

*NOTE: NOTE FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED*
CONTAINS USAGE OF WORDS IMPROPER TO THAT OF CHILDREN

i have tried being nice to you even tho u treated me like shit, i was nice enough to smile at you, wave at you although you completely ignored me and made me look like an idiot next to the guys at unisel,
and occasionally i still say hi to you, and asks our dear mutual friend whether u are mad at me, and worry when u dun effing smile at me,

and you just dun bother.

see, i wudn't noe the problem if u dun wanna tell me what THE F*** it is.

this is the reason why i practice honesty. and communication.
this is why i like talking so much even tho it hurts other people.
i make myself clear. i hold no grudge, i hold no problem.

but no, u chose to b quiet.

fine.

here's d thing.

this is a world full of deceit.
no matter how hard we try, we'll never b perfect.

so, i have done my part trying to be nice
and im tired getting completely ignored.

i have done my part and u chose not to cooperate.

this is not my problem any more.

for as long as i've lived in jad i have not given u anyhard time,
i was never a nuisance to u,
i never spoke badly of u,
i never did u wrong.

so if u still choose to be this way, fine.
live ur life babe.

if u hate me becoz of what im doing wif my life,
bodoh ape,
ape yang aku buat sume ko buat dulu bai.

ak x sakitkan hati ko.
kalau ko nak x puashati ngan aku,
itu pilihan ko.
aku x ley nak ckp per.

boyfriend ko pun same serupa.
korang mmg sesuai bersama.

ni lagi sorang malaun hitam byk bulu.
ckp kawan baik la sgt.
kawan baik ape kalu kutuk ak blakang2
ko bodoh ape?

pastu dpn ak bajet ko x buat salah
pi mampus.

look. I DO U NO HARM.
SO STAY OFF MY ASS, ASS***

there's no i in teamwork

2010-04-19T18:01:00.002+08:00

okay.i know it's been like a while. okay MORE than a while. i've been so busy~ so busy now i really feel like running away from jad.
Seriously.

okay i'mma make it short and simple because i have this report i need done by tomorrow.

here's the thing. i was with this two lab partners i dun really fancy. but u noe wat i didn say much.
but when they start to give me shit, i will not care less.

what kind of team is it when i do 1 presentation for 1 experiment and the other one does another alone and the third guy does absolutely nothing at all?
and dun make me start on them who dun EVEN bother to bring their laptops to present.

YEAH, WE DUN NEED LAPTOPS RIGHT? WE NEED A SPOON RIGHT?

i mean which part of the bloody TEAMWORK means the I do everything?

or y doesnt any of u bother to care as much as i wud?

ya know wat, u want bad impression from the lecturers, it's fine with me. totally. but hey, remember u're not doing this alone. i am SADLY, with you and therefore, if u get bad impression, i get them too!

go figure eh?

okay, i care whatmy lecturers think of me. and what the hell matters if i am good at lying so that he thinks better of our pathetic group.

no, u'd think i'm such a good liar and it's a bad thing to lie to sumone.

here's a clue man.

WHY DUN U GO AND FUCK URSELF UP?

an cause me less trouble?

and maybe the I in the group is me. yeah because I have to care to practice, I have to bring the laptop, I have to read the guidance, I have to make the slide copy AND I have to send it to the lecturers.

dude. seriously?

it's bad enough i have other things to care about i have no friggin time to care what WE should bother.

that's it.

THAT'S IT.

lpas ni, if bychance we'd ever be in d same group, i'm gonna ask for a switch.

i dun freakin care wat u think. i care much more on the impression i give on my lecturers and the qualityof my work than ur friggin feeling.

goodbye and so long.

the pest that can never disappear

2010-03-02T18:06:00.002+08:00

today marks the birth of another child on earth. my anak sedara, anak kak lenni!!!!!!!!!

baby Wan Aleef apetah. will be updated on this. is a BOY, around kul 11 malam ni keluar lah budak itu insyaAllah~

so ape yg aku sedihkan ni?

here's what.
none of my family is there wif her.
no one is accompanying kak lenni eventho she's on labour.

wat is friggin wrong wif ths picture?

adik called and said "milyn siap2 la nant kak liza amik kite p hospital"

and i was like "what? wey aku ada klas r kul 6 nih!"
she was "ala skip r. kakak ko beranak kot."
and i was pening. it was 5pm, belum solat asar, and bas menunggu pukul 5.30 nak gerak(walaupun kul 6 baru gerak)
aku ltak tepon,solat dulu papehal, and turun nak ckp kat rifqi suh die btau kakak tu i cudnt make it.
x kan ak nak choose ypm over kakak sendiri. kan?

then aku pun lpaskan la klas menari tu. apelah sgt.
then aku call bibik. tny die kat ner asal ak tepon umah x da sape angkat.
die kata die kat hospital dah. dgn mak.
and i was like.
"huh???????????"
"korang pergi dgn sape??"
bibk aku ckp "tadi uncle hantar skejap. kak lenni dah menangis2 suruh ibu datang"
aku terdiam. sayu sgt mendengar nye.
"abah tau x" aku tny.
"tau. td pagi dia dtg katanya" bibik kata.

wait a minute.

i sense someone missing.
where's my dad?

why is it that the person who's busy sending our family to the hospital is our cousins?

honestly if he wud've juz bought me a bloody car, this wudn't have happened. i mean it's not like he even bothered to be there with her, he's sumwhere out there, couldn't care less about what's going on.

am i angry?

hell yeah im angry, who wudn't be?
this is ur family, ur first daughter, ur first GRAND-CHILDREN for god's sake.

culdn't u b bothered ENOUGH???????????

at least take the friggin liberty to send us there at this time and not depend on our friggin cousin like it's their family's friggin business!

what the hell is the matter with u?

have u completely lost it?
lost all ur sense of priorities dad?

i cant believe im writing all of this. AGAIN!

how can u be so selfish? how can everything that u care about is everything that revolves around u? how is it that u cudn't b bothered that none of us is there to be with her at this time of her life?

she is battling death for another life to be saved dad! isn't dat IMPORTANT enuf for u to b bothered?

she cud die dad.

this is just sad man..

to think this may happen to me too. and u wont even friggin care.

i hope u have a gud life alright? that little life u love so much. yeah, good luck with that life dad. u're gonna need it.

who am i?

2010-02-22T17:32:00.004+08:00

why do i come back to this phase again?

yea i bet u wonder why.

well, join the club.

see. i've just had the worst day in jad life. not that jad life is always good.

i was called by suwa sensei this morning.

or rather hamdi called me. told me suwa sensei wanted to see me.

it was apprx: 8am.

nak la pi jumpa suwa sensei nyer

skali die x da. so terpaksa la tunggu sampai die dtg.nak tunggu die dtg tu, seminit rasa bagai sepuluh tahun ok.

dlm kepala otak aku ni dah bermacam2 benda aku pikir.

fail kan. i knew it.

tp xda la teruk sgt

aritu aku jwb jer semua.

then aku serabut giler. pi la cari s'one nak cerita alkisah hati ku yang sayu dan lara ni.

me: ko tgk x noticeboard hari ni. suwa sensei panggil aku. aku cuak la wei. (muka sedih sgt)

delila(bkn nama sbnar): hmm.. kenapa ek?

me: tah la. aritu aku rasa da jwb da semua.

delila: ely, aku nak btau ni ko jgn marah lak. sbnanyer aku marah dgn ko dgn die. ko tau x?

me: (aik. apahal lak ni?) hm. tau. aku pnah dgr. (sumpah aku baru teringat)

delila: ............... ko tau ketenangan tu dari Allah. ko kene la jaga hubungan tu. mungkin suwa bkn nak pgl ko sbb ko fail. tp Allah da tarik ketenangan kau sampai kau risau cenggini....

sbnarnye. ak x marah pun org nak bagi nasihat. ak hargai tau.

tapi kan. aku tgh sedih sgt2 masa tu.

serapuh2 nya kekuatan hati aku ni, masa tu lah paling rapuh skali.

and at times like dat ak nak sgt org ckp

"it's ok la. die mesti tolong punya."

"xda apelah ely. aku tau ok punyer la!"

or sort.

nak ckp kan aku nak sgt nangis. airmata ni dah jatuh dah. setakpernah budak jad selain dayah ciku and abemat tgk aku nangis, dia nmpk airmata ni berlinang.

me: ok la wei. aku nak p tepon mak aku jap.

and ak blah. Allah. sedihnye lah. aku pun tepon shikin. and btau smua kat die.

hbs ckp ngan shikin da pukul 9. ak pun pergi la melangkah ke bilik suwa sensei.

he said i didn't fail

die kata i did bad. ape yg ak x phm dlm klas?

and the rest of the day menjadi teruk akibat perkara itu. ditambah perasa pula dgn paper programming yg mmg senang la sgt tu~

i wish today wud end.

delila: aku sedih tgk ko. ak x pcaya bile org ckp, tp aku nmpk sendiri.

why am i here?

kadang2 ak rasa i don't belong here, damn it. tp kan dah lama aku buang perasaan tu jauh2, sejak matrix lagi. sebab aku tau, ak dah kat sini. means aku pny rezeki kat sini la. and ak x tau dan x nak tau kenapa aku berada gak kat sini, tu bukan kerja aku. aku xperlu risau pun psl benda tu.

tp kan, kadang2 yg mcm shit tu lah buat aku pikir balik and regret. yeah aku tau xelok bila kite menyesal. tp kan kadang2 tu rasa sakit sgt2 x tahan sgt and u noe, it's so painful dat it hurt so much u can go crazy. kadang2 aku kagum dgn diri aku sendiri. kuat gak aku ni ley tahan mender2 ni tp kan sampai biler.

ape yg sakit sgt ni ely?

ape yg sakit? yeah the pain of being here, not wanting to be here, hate it here, but cant hate it here, and not having just the strength to fight it! thats wat it is.

dari awal lagi ak da rasa ak berapa nak blend dgn this environment. this is just not who i am.

kalu aku xpuas hati aku CAKAP.

kalu aku x suka aku LAWAN.

kalu aku xmahu aku XBUAT.

kalu aku rasa dipergunakan aku MARAH.

kalu aku rasa hak aku dipermain2kan aku BANTAH.

thats it. life as i KNOW it.

and i am forced to live in this environment where i cant do all this things. like asking me to live a new life and LEAVE the life that i noe of.

menari, internet, pki bj kurung, terlalu islamik.

ALL OF IT.

okay, aku bukan baik sgt. yeah aku tau ni semua cliche jer. tp kan. aku x tipu.

aku xpakai tudung. aku ada boyfren aku pegang tangan. aku g dating ngan boyfren berdua. aku pakai ape aku nak. aku dun giv a fuck about wat others think of me. oh, aku mencarut juga.

yeah, i'm just another junk from smk convent klang.
now people will just go convent? katner tu?

aku x expect org pandang aku tinggi. aku x nak pun org pandang aku tinggi. my point is, yeah, i dun come from this place where u all come from. aku org biasa jer.

i dun care who got the best school in msia, i care about wat was the latest fashion.

i dun care about which of my juniors entered jad, i care about who was the cutest boy.

i dun care about "which school u came from? oh that was a good school wif a tennis court", i care about "what club do they have in unisel? wonder if i can go jalan2"

how different can we get?

aku x benci korang. ak syg korang. seyesly. cuma kdg2 ak get carried away.

like delila.

delila: cube ko bayangkan kalu mak bapak ko tgk, dorg mesti sedih kan.

me: hmmm..

delila: kite kene kuat ely. ko kene kuat.

i am strong. otherwise i've run off jad a long time ago. ni nak cite mak bapak. u dun noe the least bit. so just shut up. aku bengang sebab ko x pandai langsung pilih masa nak bagi nasihat.

aku blk klas aku men facebook. budak ni blk klas study. kul 5 beb. ape ley masuk kul 5 ptg?

aku nak g jogging, tp katner nak jogging kat tbp?

point is, aku x ley nak hdup sgt2 kat sini. ok mayb ni semua perasaan emotional breakdown because of exam jer. tp kan. ni la perasaan yg ak pendam jer slama ni.

jason(bukan nama sebenar): dia ckp gak kat aku.

me: (mengharapkan sokongan padu seorang teman) ......

jason: ........

me: and u think?

jason: maybe not infront of evryone...

me: (sakit hati) yeah. then wat blakang semua org?

jason: ko nak ak watpe?

kadang2 aku salah judgement. kadang2 aku x nak ape2 pun. x harapkan ape2 pun. hanya sekadar sebuah ungkapan yang membuat aku rasa ringan sket.

masa ak baru masuk jad, aku citer masalah ak kat juffri. die pun btau aku.

juffri: dulu aku kat saser pun cemtu. masa ak kat seafield x sama lgsg dgn kat saser.

ak x bley fit in pun. cara die, kau kene berubah la. follow their way.

and aku pun buat la. tell u it lasted for a few months until i realised,

there's simply no way i can be like them..

terlalu byk kelainan yang aku nak cover demi nak follow this "way". and why the hipocracy?

i dun wanna be overshadowed by the thought of niceness when i am not. aku x mahu dipanggil baik hanya dgn menjadi seorg budak jad. ak x mahu dipanggil baik hanya dgn memakai tudung.

ak x kutuk. tp depends la kepada sesapa yg baca ni, nak fikir ape. nak menyampah meluat kat aku fine, nak benci aku, sila. it's a food for thought.

u noe, kids. this world that we jad'ians live in, yea, it's a small world. this world, it's like 1/45 of the world that's going on around us. yeah, we see it pass us by, not being a part of it, not WANTING to be a part of it, fine. it's a choice. but the world we live in now, it's not real. it'll disappear when we go to japan, or we taigaku'ed from jad, or we go home.

thing is, this world we live in now, it exists HERE. VENUE:UNISEL and TBP. u got to japan, it's a different world. and trust me, then u will see and finally understand my point of membebeling here today, ryt now.

u dun see girls yang free hair like me, u see girls wif only panties.

u dun see man and women holding hands like me, u see them making out in d middle of the city.

u dun see man and women kissing, u see them going for abortions.

finally i've come to my major point.

dalam sehari jer, 2 org telah berjaya buat aku rasa ak dah x knal sape diri aku lagi.

who am i?

am i ely who stands by her principles?

am i ely who listens to delila and change?

adakah aku sebatang lalang?

adakah aku seorang hipokrit?

adakah aku ely ke-2 di jad dan ely per-1 bersama kwn2 skolah ku?

who am i?

new year's resolution(s)

2010-01-06T12:27:00.004+08:00

i know it's late. yeah. but hey, new year's resolution is here to stay kan?
will make this brief coz aku pening ni~

no more swearwords!

SO, yeah, i must say 2009 hasn't been such a... well... "gentle" year for me. i mean, being around boys is a tough job. expecially when the boys punya perangai mcm abg ngah. and it turns out mama was right. 'lagi kita malu, lagi diorang sakat' itu kata2 hikmah dari mama. huhuh. so tahun ni aku berazam la nak menjadi baik sket. i mean masa kat skola dulu pun ak x la mcm aku tahun 2009 ni. mcm agak teruk la. hehehe

pastu, sbnarnya aku kat jad sgt lain dgn diri aku yg sbnarnya. tak tau la mayb sbb suasana n atmosphere kat jad lain kot. so it's kindda hard to adapt to something so different.

lagipun da besar2 ni, perangai kene la mcm org besar aka "matang" sket kan? yakni haruslah aku meninggalkan perangai keanak-anakan aku tu~

menjadi ely yang berumur 20 tahun~ yosh!!! (altho it does kindda sound.. u noe... OLD)

2. be a LADY; NOT a WOMAN

what's d difference between being a lady and a woman? or being "baik" and being a "lady"?

practically, there's no diffrence. but literally, it makes d biggest difference there is to tell. okay. all this while i've been a girl. and there comes to diz crossroads where u juz blossom into adulthood. walaupun aku x tau da sampai tahap tu ke blum

hahha. anyway, yeah. kenapa aku nak jadi lady and not a woman? kisah die cemni. dulu masa kat skola aku kan klab tenis. coach kitorg nama nya mr.Henry. he's a fat-bellied, white-haired english-speaking old chinese man. he used to remind us the significance of playing tennis.

"in the old times, people respect tennis players. not everyone can play tennis in those times. in those days, men's tennis game are called 'a gentlemen's tennis' and women's tennis game are called 'ladies' tennis'" he said that once. so i supposed he had some meaning behind his words. that's to say, there's a difference between the women and the ladies. so i've been searching for a while while i was still in school. WHAT WAS THE DIFFERENCE?

finally i came to this conclusion: 'All LADIES are WOMEN, but not all WOMEN are LADIES.' get it?

a lady is defined as a beautiful, respectable and sophisticated woman. a lady possesses the quality of elegance in her ways, emits radiance naturally from the smile she carve on her face, glows naturally from within. holds infinite beauty within her eyes.

etc etc. i mean of course i dun expect to be ALL that. but hey, apa salah nye right. da besar2 ni...

kene la ada aim kan?

3. let not EMOTIONS takes over

since having broken up with encik ex ni, all that's driven me in making decisions are my unhealthy closed-system emotions. so slepas ni insyaAllah la aku nak berusaha membuat keputusan apabila selesai berfikir keburukan dan kebaikan sesuatu, and think secara matang.

pastu aku rasa sejak PERKARA ITU terjadi aku senang naik angin dgn seseorg. walaupun seseorg tu aku syg sgt. so mulai tahun ni aku n ak baik skit la kan. penat jadi jahat ni sbnarnyer.

and byk lagi la. aku ni mood-swing sket la. senang emosi. huhuhu~

sorry la pada sesapa yg pernah menjadi mangsa emotional imbalance aku ni~

4. Go TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last but not least is (walaupun aku rasa ni la paling penting skali) pergi berjalan2 cuti2 malaysia. ni last year kat msia before pi jepun, so basically if i dun go and tour hbs msia skarang, jawab nya mmg x kan hbs la msia ni aku tawaf.

blk jepun nak kerja right. pastu kwn2 semua da busy, balik ke kampung masing2 nant cemana nak p jalan right? anyway bila da kat jepun da kene pi jln world travel lak, so kalu x hbs msia agak memalukan la.heheheh

so, tgh2 ada companion ni (aka my loyal dear abemat) apa lagi kan. pergi la berjalan~ hehehe

aku sgt suka travel. maybe coz i don't do it often wif my family kan. plus bile berjalan merelease tension aku yg terbuku di jad tu~~~ (altho in the case of langkawi haritu, mmg x dpt nak kata ape lah) eheheheh

so i hope semua berjalan lancar la. ye la. kita merancang jer, TUHAN yang menentukan, so ape2 pun ak harap ape2 pun plan yang aku buat in future biarlah diberkati. InsyaAllah~

selamat tahun 2010. semoga yang buruk menjadi baik dan yang baik menjadi lebih baik!

cheers~

the best of 2009

2010-01-05T11:55:00.004+08:00

yeah i know it's well what, 5 days too late too lament about 2009 but heck. considering my consequences, i'm lucky to have today to fill in the knick-knacks and the very best of 2009.

what exactly was the best of 2009?
apart from being super-cool 19 years of age.
you know in japan I, ME, YO, MOI would be celebrated for turnong the age that i am now. heck, i can even drink beers now! (in japan of course. not that i INTEND to ofcourse)

anyway,
yeah, let me rewind everything from the very beginning. (would dat take years, u ask me? i dun noe. i am in a good mood now so, maybe)

so
what happened in JANUARY 2009. let see...

oh yeah. my sister's wedding.

that reminds me of the fatigue. oh and the band. gosh i coudnt stand watching the wedding video. sorry. or even if we did watch it, we'd fast-forward that part. sorry guys. my bad.
that was wat.. er 9~11 january. if im not mistaken.

then there was robocon taikai on the 31st. which our dear gary lost. RIP gary. my group consisted of AMIN, MUSU and myself.

then in FEBRUARY 2009

there was kimatsu shiken 2nd sem matrix. oh susah2.
haish x mau ingat.

this time around kot ak dpt tau encik ex da ada gupren baru. cik selvi-tore la coz she's so-called vogue de vass kan. x mo ngaku india tu.nama selvi blagak cem french hottie lak.

pastu MARCH 2009 plak,

cuti jap sementara dpt result. pastu dpt tau encik pendek-tak-guna tu punya cerita sbnar.

around 11th march cemtu.. evaluation jab tu and dpt result kimatsu. aku score brp tah. x mo igt. tp pass la alhamdulillah.
so advanced la kami ke U1. pastu ada daisenpai pny pre-grad lunch kat concorde. kitorg buat pentomen yang best sgt tu!!!!!!!!!!

pastu dpt result 3kyuu JLPT aku pass. x da kot bdk batch aku yg x pass. kimatsu pun semua pass alhamdulillah~

around 3rd tu pi karok 1st tyme bersama encik shau, yus, haris, fatin, aya and syara kat amp square sunway. hehehe....

oh masa ni pun aku kne panggil dgn aziz sensei. coz i kindda did bad for my chem paper. tp sensei bagi option nak resit ke x

aku obviously x mo.
haha

oh then, 13~15th MARCH pi raptor watch kat pd wif chiku sayang!!!!!! tdo kat mana apartment tu, kenal patricia d painter who works at the zoo and who drove us to the site from marina apartment. thanx pat. then there was EAGLE RANCH hotel yg sgt best!
heheh

kitorg cuti sen pada 16th march~4th april

so moving on to APRIL 2009

nothing much la

ada kitorg wat volunteering work kat mont kiara on 19th of april.

then there was MAY 2009.
then there was JUNE 2009

celebrated my 19th birthday kat sunway lagoon wif my school besties. shik and shy and d gang. best giler. dpt cake. and dpt byk hadiah~~~~~~~~~~~ yay!!!!!!

walaupun nak dkt kimatsu niii

then ada daigaku fair tp die postpone kot....

then JULY 2009

kimatsu shiken 1st sem U1. aduh poning oden.

AUGUST 2009 plak saw a lot of tears. dpt result kimatsu.

i did good. but some of my frens didn't do very well. and it's fair to say i lost them in our battle.

but watever it is we still love each other. love u syg. u noe who u r~ nant kite p raptor watch lg kay?
hehehe

august ada short sem yg penat giler. suwada sensei and shizuoka san from keio daigaku dtg ajar physics. bapak susah.tp peliknya die ajar aku paham. walaupun kadai die mmg u-die-la-when-u-do-it, tp die ajar mmg aku phm. talk about quality!

then azrul sensei, at which i failed his subject. and had the chance to repeat them masa bulan oct kot

SEPTEMBER 2009. almost perfect for the most eventful month of the year. aku rasa this is THE MONTH OF THE YEAR la. coz hari raya kan. malam raya tu ada DRAMA MLM RAYA bersama encik aiman, cik puan selvi-tore dan cik ely-cool (saja rasa diri sendiri cool~)

mls ar cite. nak baca lagi skali, sila la baca post aku yg bertajuk DRAMA MALAM RAYA~ yeay~~~

anyway sibuk + tension blaja dgn azrul sensei jer. cuti raya 2mgu~

OCTOBER 2009

aku ingat tarikh tu.. 16 October 2009. hari jumaat. aku terjaga dari tdo pada pukul 7.50 pagi. selama aku berada kat jad, aku x pernah lewat for class. but that day, i was late. not for class. but for a repeat paper. yes.

late for a repeat azrul sensei paper. cool eh?
dah la fail paper die. tunjuk hebat pi dtg lmbt lak tu!
mwahahhaha
haram sungguh!

tu pun kalu abemat x kejut aku mmg x bangun la aku~
ish2

NOVEMBER 2009 pun x byk sgt mender. penuh dgn kesengsaraan di jad jer kot. hahah

and faced the reality that encik ehem dah x serupa~
heheheh

and i lost my phones, the sony ericsson C905 (last year's wish) that i bought in june. not only that, i lost the samsung E730 i got for PMR 2005 sedey22222~~~

aku rasa the last wud always b d best. DECEMBER 2009 bagi aku best dah~ plg byk cuti hari jumaat, which meant 3-days-weekends yg best.

pastu hari tu cuti ak and abemat p langkawi (19th~21st). best sgt~~~ hehehehe nak p lagi~~
tp tgk bajet.

lpas ni g kk.in april 2010~

new year's eve x la p curve lagi~
ak pi umah sya, mkn bbq, blk umah, mama wat bbq lagi, esoknya kak lenni wat bbq, pastu lusa nye papa ajak mkn dim sum. giler. gemuk aku nihhh~~

okies, see ya later!!!!!

langkawi trip dec 2009

2009-12-26T12:57:00.004+08:00

ok. this is probably the 250th rendition of the same story being re-told.
i mean. i can barely find time at home(sitting in front of hbo and star movies all day dat is)to write this down.
fine.
i went to langkawi on the 19th of dec and went back to the mainland on the 21st of december.
the 3days 2nights stay starts of with a bus from shah alam to stesyen bas shahab perdana kuala kedah. bus departs at 10.00PM 18th of december.

here was the details as to what happened the three days we were there.

friday, 19th of december '09

around 3.30 AM we reached shahab perdana. my being super mamai and having spent the night sleepless, sat next to abemat in the gleaming lights of bus station's lamp. saw nothing but pure darkness.
came a man who inquired for my destination. overwhelmed by my "mamai-ness'', i looked at abemat and said
"oh, nak tunggu pagi sikit kot. baru nak cari hotel."
then he said
"oh boleh. ha pakcik ada kat sini sampai kul 7. amik la num pakcik, ape2 tepon pakcik ye."
so i took his num and sat around. until it was around 4.00AM that i came to my senses.
i looked at abemat again.
"eh! kita kat shahab perdana la! kene naek taxi pi jetty! bukan cari hotel!" i almost shouted in d midst of almost nothing-ness.
abemat looked at me
"ye lah." he said and fell back to sleep. talk about being helpful
heheh

so we waited there until 6.00AM, pi solat subuh, and took a taxi to jetty around 6.30AM.

sampai kat jetty around 6.45AM, almost in time for the first ferry,which departs at 7.15AM.
but unfortunately, we we harassed by two men, insisting we should take up their package.
ferry, hotel, island hoppingand pulau payar. errr.. no thanx.
they thought abe mat and i were a married couple. after lingering for almost 20 mins there. finally i told abemat to just buy the ferry ticket from the other company and we'll find our hotel ourselves, thank you.

so we did. naik d first ferry, 7.15 AM and sampai around 9.15AM.
turun tu terus g cari kereta sewa, x da kancil, dpt waja jer, 400 for 3 days
bargain punya bargain, dpt rm370 for 3 days.
dia bagi skali island hopping n cable car nyer ticket.
total rm259/pax, me and abemat.
(nyesal lak pegi masa cuti skola. ahax~)

pusing kat pantai cenang, pusing2 kat kuah akhirnya dpt la dua bilik kat hotel langkawi around 4 cemtu.
(anda disarankan utk TIDAK TINGGAL DISINI) x best
sian abemat.

mandi2 solat2
we wanted to go to makam mahsuri, otw tu ciku tepon. pastu die kata mcm da tutup jer.
tgk jam pukul 5.30PM kot. kitorg pun ala.. yeke,, berhenti la kat kedai jual minyak gamat.
p shopping minyak gamat jap.
pastu abemat di offer minyak lintah gunung. aku ni sumpah x tau lintah gunung tu mender ape, blur2 jer.
abemat da tersipu2.
bile masuk dlm kete aku pun tny2 die
baru la aku tau~
hahahah
cian abemat~~~

kitorg pun pi shopping coklat and etc kat haji ismail group kat kuah. dpn city bayview hotel kuah tu. pastu da mlm tu kitorg pun p la cari makan kat kedai tomyam mana tah.
mkn2 balik la.
then tdo.....

saturday, 20th of december '09

abemat dtg mengejutkan aku pukul 6.30AM. aku pun bgn solat subuh, mandi2 kemas2. tny abemat da ciap lum die kata lum mandi.
aku pun berkemas2 lagi. pi masuk kan beg ak dlm kete.

plan hari kedua adalah p island hopping. then pi cheq in kat BEST STAR HOTEL (mmg best, aku rekomen korg duduk kat sini, murah pun murah, best pun best) then cable car, then telaga tujuh, then p ayer panas. pastu balik mlm2 jln2 tepi pantai~~~

around 7.45AM kitorg gerak pi pantai cenang. Awana Porto Malai hotel kat pantai cenang. for island hopping yang start kul 9.30AM.
sampai kat pantai cenang kul 8.05AM. punyalah awal, x da kedaipun bukak lagi..
kitorg terjumpa satu kedai nasi lemak ni, pi la makan. minum air teh 3-layer yang TAK SEDAP!

mkn2 around 8.40AM kitrg gerak p awana. sampai jer kat sana aroun 9.00AM, x da sape pun. kitorg pun jln2 amik gmbr. pastu aku suh abemat tepon org island hopping tu, dia kata tunggu kat The Lanai Hotel. kitorg pun gerak la p lanai. kat lanai ramai giler org.

tunggu punya tunggu, around 10.00AM baru nak start. grak la p pantai beras basah. depa turunkan kami kat situ satu jam depa kata. kami pun jalan punya jalan bergambar punya bergambar, dlm stengah jam tu dah bosan.
tunggu kat jeti tu. 10.45AM kitorg tunggu, pukul 11.30AM depa mai amik kitorg. naik kepala sungguh depa ni.

die bawak kitorg pi tgk eagle-feeding. (feeding la sgt. kalu feeding maksudnyer org yang feed the eagles kan, tp sbnarnye jgn tertipu, eagle tu mkn sendiri. ok!)

pastu moving on to the nest pulau, pulau dayang bunting. mmg best giler ar pulau ni. tp byk giler monyet. hehehhe
masa tu 12.10AM, die kata sejam kat situ. so around 1.10PM la die dtg balik kan? so kitorg pun p la bjalan2 ke tempat mandi2 kat tasik tu, mender r nama die. around 1PM tu kitorg gerak la balik ke jetty. tgk depa x mai lagi. duk la dulu tgk ketam2 ngan ikan belacak melompat2.

pastu tgk2 org da mkn surut. makcik famili cina se-boat dgn kitorg pun da sampai. makcik ni bising giler ok.
tgk2 mamat tu x sampai2 lagi.tunggu punya tunggu tau x kul bape die sampai?
pukul 3.00PM
memang boleh sgt.
geram aku masa tu x terhingga. rasa nak cekik jer mamat ut.
makcik cina tu da bising giler ckp mamat tu tipu la nak mintak refund la mender r. aku da pening giler, panas, plan ak nak nek cable car harini dah gone with the wind. ak da x terkata.
die dtg tu kitorg naik diam jer. suddely die stop tgh2 air tu. DIA STOP OK!
tny la asal stop. die kata minyak hbs. mmg boleh. mmg ak dtg dari jauh, byr byk2 utk jadi cemtu.
tunggu punya tunggu. ak pun meletup la pe lagi.
cian abemat.
heheheheh~~~

akhirnya dtg la sorg mamat yang meninjau2
die pun x da minyak tgl ciput jer
mamat tu amik jer la
nak wat cenne kan
amik jer die isi minyak, pastu die pun jln2 laju giler, x sampai pun kat shore tu, da x ley gerak da. ayam betul la die tu. tu run da la kat awana porto malai tau x??????????
geram2
kitorg pun naek la van balik lanai.
masa tu da kul 3.30PM da.
drive p hotel, tgk bilik blum siap lagi. kitorg pun pi la kuah jap beli tiket ferry balik.
nak pergi kuah tu sesat ok!!!!!!!!!!
benci, die kalu terlepas simpang tu mmg jawabnyer sesatla. alahai. sampai kuah kul 4.30PM ok. beli2, siap org hotel tu teponlagi ckp
"cik ely ni hotel nak cheq in ke nak cancel ke macam mana ni?" aku pun,
"eh2 nak cheq in. kitorg otw!" kalut di ditu~~
drive2, sampai hotel around 5.00PM. cheq in, masuk bilik. best sgt katil queen all to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahah
mandi2 penat giler. hari kedua x buat ape pun ,sesat2 jer bodoh giler.

malam tu pun pi jln kat pantai cenang mkn tomyam lagi. haha
pastu beli kacang rebusand asam jeruk, pi duk tepi pantai makan2 sambil tgk x tau ape sbb gelap sgt,pastu ak pun tny bemat, nak tgk sunrise x sok??? die kata ok!
hahahah
pastu

blk la bilik and tido...

sunday, 21st of december '09

pagi tu bangun kul 6.30AM, aku solat jap, then pi kejut sleeping beauty tu, suh die solat and kul 6.45AM kitorg turun pantai, nak tgk sunrise la kononnye.
tunggu dan tunggu lagi, skali dah cerah.
pastu teringat.
langkawi kan facing barat, mana nak nmpk sunrise. sunset adalah! kitorg pun gelak la dgn kebodohan geografi kami.
mwahhahah
pastu around 7.15AM masuk blk hotel, and breakfast. facing the pantai. best sgt. heheheh

blk bilik kemas2 tgh berita jap, die kata langkawi berangin. ( a bad sign if nak naik cable car, tp aku ignore jer) plan hari ni p nek cable car, makam mahsuri, pulang kete, and p amik gmbr kat dataran lang tu~~

gerak la kul 9.00AM coz cable car bukak kul 10.00AM.

sampai kat sana kul 9.30AM cemtu la. kitorg pun p amik2 gmbr lu, shopping2 sunglass jap.topi langkawi. pastu around 10.00AM baru p kat ticket counter tu.
cuaca berangin sgt. so cable car x moving. aku geram sgt. ak bengang giler. nangis dah.around 10.30AM tu aku ajak abe mat pi telaga tujuh dulu. skali otw nak kua dari cable car tu, terjumpa iqa!!!!!!!!!
hhahhahahaha

so pi la telaga tujuh. mendaki2 jumpa waterfall die. duk la jap lepak2 ak nangis2 layan persaan.
abemat pun layan persaan die gak die pi duk kat semua batu yg ada kat situ. x tau ape die wat.
huhu

then around 11.45AM tu da penat layan persaan aku pun ckp kat bemat.
" jom la p cable car, kalu by 1 o'clock die x gerak kita balik jer la k." ak da putus asa tu sbnarnyer.
sampai kat cable car tu kul 12.10PM. skali dgr ada budak ni jerit
"kita nak balik baru nak gerak!!!!!!!!!!!" dgn suara x puas hati giler.aku pun memandang ke arah cablecar tachi tu dgn penuh harapan. yep die bergerak!

ak pun dgn happy nyer berlari2 kearah tmpt tiket tu. so naik la cablecar tu around 12.30PM.
naik punya naik, by 1.00PM da bosan, nak turun plak. coz nak p makam mahsuri plak. turun. gerak p mkm mahsuri, masuk2 pusing2 keluar. gerak p kuah jetty. otw tu stop jap mkn mcD sbb lapar!

mkn2 around 4.05PM tu pulang kete. kitorg pun p dataran lang tu, amik2 gambar, and around 5.00PM pi solat jap and beli choc ciku and saufi. and akhirnya masuk jetty and tunggu ferry kul 6.15PM. ada sunset! amik2 gambar.

sampai jetty kuala kedah around 8.15PM, nek taxi blk shahab perdana, solat2 jaop and tunggu bas kul 11.15PM.

nek bas, sampai shah alam esoknya pukul 6 pagi.
yayyyyyyy~~~~

tips for future references:

bila pi pantai MAKE SURE pakai selipar. NOT sport shoes. hahaha.
bila nak p jalan, MAKE SURE ada hotel.
bila nak p island hopping, MAKE SURE mamat tu bwkcukup minyak n sampai ontime.
bwk skit makanan bila p island hopping. best.
jgn p jalan waktu cuti skola. seyes. pening. hahah
bwk extra money. nant jadi cem aku. pokai.
enjoy d trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha

overall best sgt. sedey beep and saufi x ley join. tp best jer. next trip. kota kinabalu in march!!

jom!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway if nak tgk gmbr, tgk la kat fb aku k!!!!!!

my lost horizon

2009-11-02T18:23:00.002+08:00

"janji kau x kan tinggalkan aku!" she said to him, finishing her laugh at his stupid joke. he was always like that. whenever she tried to get serious, he turned it the other way round in such way she would end up laughing her heart out.

"aku janji! sampai bila-bila aku x kan tinggalkan kau!" he said softly. she halted. his tone turned her cheeks red. she's never heard such an honesty coming out from a man. she smiled, let herself drown in that beautiful hope...

* * * * * * * *

u know what's the silliest and weirdest yet the saddest thing that a human CAN'T do?

is the ability to only watch a thing happen right in front of their eyes,and not do a thing about it.

so yeah, call me depressed.

see, how long does it take to actually hurt me? and heal me again?

sometimes it drives me up the wall. this freaking being breaking his promise to me. why? yeah, i have the most enormous curiosity and the slightest guts.

it's funny though.

it seems like yesterday he was laughing wif me, telling me how much he wanted to stay wif me whenever i need him and i was laughing because he makes the most annoying joke on earth the funniest.

and he makes me laugh about the thing i cry about

he makes me feel like i was needed when i felt like an outcast

and he make me feel so valuable i felt i was worth the world.

he was there every single time i needed him. and i was there every single time he cried bout his past. so what has gotten so wrong?

i'm afraid.

i've always been.

since the first day he made me laugh at even the silliest word.

since the first day he bought me iceblended honeydew that night.

since the first day i started telling him my problem.

since the first day i let him into my life,

and let my frail heart lay on his hands.

afraid that he'd go away even when he promised he won't.

sometimes it was okay for me. i tell myself that it's okay. i mean, he has his own life after all.

but some other times weren't so cooperative..

he was there all the time. it's kindda hard to adjust to him not being there. and not have him to call when i need to call sumone.

my fren kept telling me "maybe he's busy." and i kept saying "yeah.. maybe" when i know the truth. the truth that he's NOT busy. and judging from his facebook page he may as well not be busy.

playing games and posting updates every now and again.

it kindda hurt to see him being there, but telling myself not to accept that he's there.

it's almost easier to imagine that there's two different people.

sigh.

i miss him.

but my heart is truly broken when he broke that promise. and what hurts d most is still he doesn't find it important enuf to say things he used to say whenever i need words of comfort.

i wud appreciate some persuasion. and needless to say it's to no avail either.

it hurts that now i spend more time wif my new fren that him. when it was him all along once upon a time.

it hurts that sometimes i say things i used to say to him to this new fren.

it hurts when i say it to this new fren, it reminds me of him. and doubting that my new fren will ever keep his promise too.

it hurts to say that same thing to a different person and a different person said the exact same thing he said.

it hurts.

really does.

sometimes it makes me laugh.

other times i laugh so hard that i cry.

then, i laugh again. coz there was no more tears to spill.

i miss him.

really do.

and it hurt so much coz everything about me is him.

but not everything about him is me.

i'm happy.

really am.

i'm happy if he's happy. to see his smiling face and although not hear his distant laughter,

on quick glance to see his laughing face,

it's enuf to make me smile, despite the bleeding wound in my heart.

and to love u, is to let u be happy,

it's d greatest treasure i can cherish

though to only watch u from afar,

to love u is the greatest gift u gave me.

i always said i'd stay beside u,

no matter what happens,

until d day u decide to leave that door.

and now u're walking towards d door,

and u dun even realize it.

i love u.

if u find my place not enuf for urself,

then find the place that suits urself.

a place u can smile again.

i'll be happy for u.

i love u

so much.

i always will.

frail hopes..

2009-10-19T22:38:00.003+08:00

okay, sbnarnyer ak amatlah bengang. sore yori kanashii yo.

i've misplaced a thing so treasured, i treasure more than my own collection of uniten memories. and anyone who knew me enuf, wud know just HOW relatively meaningful, important and precious those memories are to me.

and i dun even noe where it is.

and i've turned my room upside down looking for it.

n i've risked my whole human sanity to find it. and it's JUST NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!!

what else do i do?
what?
what?
WHAT??????
tell me.

enuf about that.

i'm not asking u to stay awake by my bedside and guard me. not asking u to watch over my soundless sleep, bore urself to death. not asking u to seek for that vein no 2 in my body, and twist it right so it's made right n wont hurt anymore.

no. not at all.

all i needed from u is a little time. taken not to waste, but to help another being out. i'm sorry if i was being a jerk all this while. and i'm truly honestly really sorry if i ever came across u being a trouble to ur schedule.

i didn't mean for it to be like dat.

aku tau ak call masa kau tgh happy. klua dgn kwn2 kau. jln2. last i saw a pix of u tgh shisha.

way to go baby.

aku kat sini trying my shit out calling u, who dun even bother picking even once, nvr mind telling me u're busy.
aku x kisah pun kalu kau x mo lyn ak. i really wont. i get u'r bz. i mean at least if u TELL ME u're busy
i'll settle wif u being bz.
even tho i noe u're not busy, u're just saying it to get me off ur ass.

see, i wont take that long from u.
i'm not saying i've done u deeds.
but i stayed wif u when u needed a fren.
i listened to ur laments when u need an ear.
i offered u a shoulder for u to cry on.

not that u never offered me ur shoulder.
but hey, how hard can it be to just give my heaving head a rest?
i need u.

i need to hear that comforting voice of urs. and u noe how much guts it took me to actually realize this? talk about ego.
and how desperate i sound whenever i say it out loud, let alone to publish it on web.
talk about super ego.

* * *

if u declare urself being a fren, act like one.
and this is not just to you i'm saying. it's for others who reads this.
when ur fren is in need, she'll try to find it. and when she does, and she decided to chose YOU, u shud feel grateful. coz it means to them, u're kind enuf so as to be trusted.
and when u decided to pick up that call she gave u, decide dat u'll also give her the fullest of attention.

just because she's on the other side of the phone, doesn't mean she cant sense the unwillingness u present in the subtlest way possible.
when she tells u of her problems, listen to her as u wud've want others unto urself. dun do something else when she's telling her probs to u.

she knows. trust me she knows.

especially when she was crying and talking and suddenly u went quiet. that soft noise on the other side already gave u away. but the truth hurts so much she felt it was easier if she just stayed not knowing of ur activity over the other side.

and when she took the liberty to ask u what u're doing, and u single-handedly, innocently say u're actually commenting on someone else's comment on facebook, u have at that precise moment dismissed her and waved her off her trust for u.

she was crying. telling u her problems.
and u did but listend to her, playing facebook.

i mean, is facebook really worthy of losing a fren?
if so, then i think u're giving facebook a little too much credit.

the inevitable and the not knowing

2009-10-18T19:54:00.004+08:00

why do we depend on others?

i mean, first of all, if we are registered by the name of 'human' then we cant run away from that question.

so why the dependence?

okay. that's why i hate so much being me. okay, i dun exactly hate being myself. that wud b a lie.
sometimes i hate the fact that dependence gets the better of all of us without us knowing.
but then again, hey, y are we created to be human for if not for sharing right?

see, if i happened to be given a power, i wud've chosen to be able to handle things by myself.

can u already sense my selfishness?

it's selfish alright. yet it's the thing that i wish i can do.

i wish i can do things on my own, and not asking for anyone's help.
i wish i can have things that i need, so i dun need to ask for it from anyone~

i mean that helpless feeling sometimes annoys me like little meagots on rotten food.

and it annoys especially when u ask for someone's help and they paused and hesitated and yet they say yes. then they do the favour unwillingly.
they cud've just said no.
it'l save both the energy and the annoyance.

* * *

see, there's one thing about the the unknown that we feel that there wud b no mystery about.
i wish i wud've been more 'kisah' masa kat skul dulu.

i mean, it wud actually save me from this wreck life.
haha
i mean i always wonder what it wud be like living on the other side.
u noe?

like, what wud be different if say it was me, I am on the other side. wud life hav been different?
wud life take me to a place i never saw? wud it take me to people i never know?or wud it have been worse?

now, it's not that i'm not thankful with this luxurious life i'm living. luxurious la for a student kan? an ALL-EXPENSES-PAID, ALL-FREE apartment, i dun have to foot electricity or water bills, i get to live all in my own room, my own bed, NOT A DORM, all-paid-for and well-to-die-for-expensive tertiary education that'll get my oh-so-miskin feet to japan, the country i've always wanted to go since i was a kid, monthly scholar that allows me to have a new phone AND STILL allow me to eat well AND maintain my oh-not-so-fashionista life. and still live in shah alam, a well-developed urban area. not kl, or bukit bintang BUT still a urban area that allows me to keep on wif the world. and balik to see my family once in a while.

what's there not to like about my life?

i know wat. the not knowing. the mystery, the feeling of shit-ness when i think of the other side.

i mean. what wud've happened if i chose otherwise?

okay, life is an option. dats a cliche. it's made up of choices we made. and making that choices is having other options laid in front of our eyes.
get it?

OPTIONS!

say, we choose A not B.
ever wondered wud ur life have been different had u chose B instead of A?

never mind C or D.

bukan nak salahkan takdir ke ape ke.
tp
d curiousity sometimes drive me nuts.
seriously.

i dun wanna think of it sometimes,
but the curiousity tuh!
fulamak i tell u, mmg x stop bothering la!

u noe when i think too much, sometimes it saddens me.

coz being the 'not knowing' puts u in a situation of loss.
a place where u feel that u're missing out great opportunities that wud've landed on ur palm, but slipped over because u chose other options!

sometimes i wish i wud've been more capable.

of experiencing the best of both worlds,

but sometimes we're just not meant for it.

all in all, once we make a choice, another is lost. that's y we have to consider betul2.

dats y i said earlier. i wish i wud've been more 'kisah' masa skul dulu.

it'll save me the wreck.

but anyway, i m not that skul girl anymore.
so, i've learnt my mistakes.

another bad luck

2009-10-16T20:13:00.002+08:00

okay, i've been in jad for almost two years now. dat's almost 600 full-time working student days i've filled, right?

and u noe, of all the 600 days, in each one of that days, today, of all days, TODAY, i woke up late.

i have a re-sit paper. RE-SIT PAPER. at 8 am today, and i woke up at 7.50 am. well, at least that's what my handphone watch read when i looked at it. tu pun kalu x abemat tepon ak tny ak kat mana, mmg x bgn r ak~

it's bad enuf i failed azrul's paper in d first place, die bagi re-sit tu aku da patut merasa mujur yg teramat sgt. re-sit pun lambat!

babun tul lar.

aku bgn tu, x yah igt r betapa kalut giler aku. sumpah kalut gler.
x pnah ak kalut cemtu seumur hidup aku.

x tau nak wat per, nak mandi x smpat, nak nek bas lambt nant.
last2 aku pun pi masuk toilet, basuh jer ape yg patut, capai sluar slack yg seyes longgar gler babi tu, pakai jer baju putih n kemeja yg beli ngan ciku tu, and sambil fikir sape bdk jad yg ada kete.
aku pun capai tepon ak, call arep.
(well I HAD to. he's the ONLY ONE i can think of!)

die pun mamai2 tu ckp ok die tunggu kat bwh.
(perasaan bersalah sbnarnyer)

aku pun grab jer bag ak.

aku x mandi
aku x mandi
aku x mandi

ok,
and again
aku x mandi

aku x percaya aku wat begitu.
i'm nver like dat.

that's wat i sed to arep too.

"i'm never late arep!"

and know what he sed?

"well, u r now~"

yeah. like i dun ALREADY NOE DAT~

anyway. really want to thank arep.

sampai je unisel, turun kete dgn sluar longgar tu londeh bagai nak ngorat azrul sensei, lari2 naik kyouinshitsu, cari azrul sensei. and trus pi kaigishitsu tu. and telah menjawab dgn jayanya.

(at least dat's a good part of the day.)

after the paper finished, aku pun da x selesa giler2 nak blk mandi. pastu bemat ckp azizul nak blk, aku pun happy la sgt. x yah nek taxi!

so blk la tbp. mandi2, (after azizul dgn baikhatinya meng-offer nak hantar ak blk unisel, coz die sbnanyer nak ponteng)

mandi punya mandi, pki baju hijau ku itu, lalu menyembur DKNY ku dgn byk nyer, sehingga aku rasa nak bersin, tetiba botol DKNY tu x ley tekan, aku pun check2 la.

tekan2 sambil check punya check, sekali die boleh sembur, masalah nya tersembur lak kat mata aku!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pedih giler x terkata r. aku pun dgn mata pedih tu cari jln pi toilet, membasuh mataku dgn air.
padahal masa tu da pki tudung. hbs basah tudung aku~

terpaksa r buka blk and gosok semula.

sedey giler doh.
sumpah sedih giler hari ni.
tp towards d end tu ok jer kot.

anyway aku pun dpt jwb soklan2 tuh

hm..
just dat, aku rasa bkn nye salah kalu fail.
i mean kalu fail pun x yah r emosi sgt. breakdown giler babi ke.
coz bagi aku, bile kite fail tu kite learn,
we get a chance to undo the mistake we've done and also 2nd chance to re-do sumthing we didnt get the chance to do.

and most importantly we learn to get up. so if we fall again, we noe how to get up, and we noe how to avoid falling again.

but then again this is merely a point of view of a person yg pernah fail final chem f4 dulu, and geo f2 dulu, so, x yah la percaya sgt kot.

hahah.

neway. timekasih pada semua yg tlah membantu aku utk mnjayakan hari ini,
daiyok, iza, ame, rifqi, bemat, yus, tg, azizul, nadia...

terima lah kasih ku~~~

love much~
xoxo

over and done, dead and gone.

2009-10-15T19:48:00.003+08:00

sometimes we go on and about everyday without expecting anything extraordinary. right?
but then u get lucky. u get all the green lights, u get free parking space, u get free lunch, a bouquet of flowers, u dun have to go thru bad traffic scenario, u get the pix.

but then sometimes, u're just not dat lucky enough~

see, i am tired of saying this. i'm not NOT TIRED okay, i'm practically exhausted and wished that i'd rather die than saying this again.

i think u've already understood. and i understand how much i wish it wud go away for u. it's almost as much as how i want u to just forget the fucking thing.

i'm not gonna make ur life harder. i wont shares stories of him wif u anymore. and whenever u spoke of her, i'll listen. but i won't humour.

wanna noe y?
coz i've learn my lessons. and i hope u will too.

drama malam raya

2009-09-25T10:54:00.006+08:00

i noe it's already 8 syawal. and it's kindda too late for cerita malam raya ni.

but u noe wat, this story is so interesting, it'll never go basi~

so. cuti jad start hari khamis. hari jumaat tu ak blk umah klang dgn kak lenny around 4 cemtu la. sampai umah, buka semua, after maghrib semua gerak p umah bkt jelutong. layan la nur kasih jap,

pastu ari sabtu tu, hanta afif pi klia around 8.30pm, sampai umah around 11pm la kot nyer. then evryone pergi masuk tdo. afif kerja mlm tu. so he wasnt there to witness nething.

ak ni da la mmg nyer x suka tdo awal. lagi2 ada tv and astro. haha.lyn r. tapi sbb penat gler hari jumaat tu duk kemas brg kat tbp tu, around 11.50pm tu ak pun join the bed. sbnarnyer dorg blum tdo ag. mak jer da tdo. kak lenny duk men farmville, adik duk tgk die. ak pun kmas2 katil la nak baring ni.

ak ni. bile pi klia jer sure tdo nyer la dlm kete. so blk tu da pun agak laloq da.~

Baring2 kat katil tu, tetiba phone adik rings.

"milyn, aiman tepon!" adik jerit.

aku yang tgh tido tu trus terjaga dgn celik nyer.

"nak angkat ke x?????" die tny lagi. ak pandang adik. die pandang aku. ak pandang kak lenny, die pandang aku blk then die pandang adik. kitorg terkedu jap.

"ape yang die nak?" ak tny. "asal die tepon ko? x tepon ak?" ak tny, skali teringat ak pny phone da x da bateri and tgh charging.

pikir punya pikir, die ltak tepon. pastu kitorg da bising da. "die nak ape" kitorg tny sesama sendiri.

sekali phone adik bunyi lagi. ktorg pandang each other lagi. adik tgk screen die,
"abg ngah tepon!" die pun angkat. ak pun da lega sambil memikirkan betapa kebetulannye la abg ngah ni tepon lpas aiman.
ak duduk.
"hello bang ngah.... ha'ah... ha... kak milyn? ade, jap ek" adik pass hp die kat ak.
aku amik sambil rasa pelik giler. apasal abg ngah nak ckp ngan ak? mmg mezurashii giler~

"hello...?"
"yin. yin ada kwn nama aiman x?"
jantung ak bagai nak tercabut dah. die punya beat tu mcm accelerate giler2.
"hm... ada. nape ba ngah?"
"ni ha, die ada kat dpn umah yin ni nah, ckp dgn die" and die hand d phone to aiman.
agak kat setahun gak r kitorg x bcakap sekali nak becakap blk dgn die tu rasa janggal gile2.

"hello ely."
"er.. hi."
"u kat mana ni?"
"kat umah my sis. er... aiman call my phone lah."
"i cant, i x igt num u"
"hm... 0176******...." aku pun ckp. dari cara die ckp ak dpt rasa die breathless sbnanyer.
mcm x tau nak watper. bingung.

die pun ltak tepon. kakak ak ngan adik ak da sebuk tny
"apasal wey, apasal???"

ak pun p on my phone. duk tunggu his call.
phone ak pun bunyi...

"hello..." ak start.
"elly, er... hm... nah u ckp sendiri lah.." die bagi phone die kat someone.
pastu. hm. rupenye dat someone tu adalah girlfren die yang tgh marah giler2, mencarut2. MEROYAN KOT.

"hey, wat the fuck did u write about me and aiman? wat d fuck did u write in ur blog? wat d fuck was dat ah? wat d fuck was dat????" die sembur habis pny. sakit telinga ak. kalu ye nak jerit, ckp r awal2 kalu ak pekak kang, sape nak tolong?

"er... okay. first of all, dun fuck with me okay? and second, y do u noe i hav a blog?" ak tny. kepelikan melanda sambil agak bengang dgn perempuan giler meroyan ni.

"my mum googled me up and said she found ur blog. wat the fuck do u mean by he hugs everyone he met? wat the fuck do u mean by dat? wat the fuck was dat? wat d fuck u want to write dat????" die ckp lagi.. aduh. ak da la ngantok.

"y wud ur mum google u?" ak tny dgn keblur-an. pastu die bebel lagi sambil mencarut2. ak mls dgr. ak pun ltak jap phone tu kat bwh, sambil ak kmas2 katil ak. even ak ltak phone tu pun ak ley dgr dari jauh die membebel mender tah. bile ak rasa die dah mcm reda sket tu ak pun angkat balik.

"may i talk to ur boyfren please?" ak tny die. die pun bagi phone kat aiman.

"aiman. wats going on????" ak tny. aiman terdiam jap. sambil melayan gf die membebel2 kat blakang.

adik ak suh ak gelak menganjing.
ak pun gelak menganjing la

"okay ely, u ada x tulis bende tu kat blog u?" die tny.
"tulis ape?" aku tny blur.
"yang u dgn i for 2 months jer, and those things. u mengaku x u tulis ni?" die tny
aku pun stop jap. fikir. rasanyer cem ader. but not in dat way written.

"aiman. kalau la i ni bodoh, bitch sekalipun, i tau la i was with u for a year and not 2 months."
i said.

die diam jap. from the back tu ak ley dgr pempuan tu bising2 bajet bagus la.

"what the fuck is wrong with her? i dun fucking care. i noe where the fuck she lives. i noe where d fuck she stays." bajet nak ugut ak r kalu ak kacau balak die lagi nak serang umah ak r tu.

aiman pun dgr jer gf die tu bebel. adik kat dpan ak ni, suh aku glak menganjing lagi. aku pun ape lagi gelak menganjing gile2 bia padan muka ko.

"aiman, why is she doing diz to u?" ak ckp dgn bunyi paling sarcastic, paling sinis, paling menganjing ak ley wat dlm hdup aku sambil gelak sinis lagi.

pastu bile gf die tu x stop bebel, and ak ni plak duk glak2 kan die, ak rasa die pun bengang apabila due perempuan ni mempermainkan ego die, die pun ltak tepon tanpa mengucapkan bye~

die ltak jer tu, jantung ak x stop beating lagi. laju giler macam lpas berlari 200 meter. pastu ak pandang adik ak, kakak aku pandang ak gak.

"giler nye selvi tu. kesian aiman dpt gf meroyan" aku pun tersengih, pandang adik ak, kitorang pun high-five. sambil menggelakkan aiman. dan memadankan mukanya kerana nak sgt cari yang cantik, sexy n pandai dressing n style sgt (coz die slalu ckp ak x pandai dressing and x style.) amek kau pempuan giler meroyan, suke mencarut, control freak lak tu. maka aiman pun menjadi dayus yang mengikut telunjuk perempuan tu.

lpas tu raya kedua tu pun ak pun try la google nama ak mana la tau kot2 jumpa blog ak ni,x da.
ak google nama aiman lak.
x da gak

last2 ak google nama selvi tu. dan jumpa rupenyer mmg betul lah kot die ckp. betul la die kata mak die jumpa ak blog pasal die kissing ngan aiman tu. mwahaha
sure kene marah ngan mak die. kecik2 dah gatal kissing2 sape suh. padan la muka. bukan salah ak, ak tulis cemtu. ak tulis bende betul. ko pi buat sape suh. kalu yer nak wat, jgn la p amek gambar and publish kat fb bia semua tgk. padan muka sendiri la minah.

pastu yang si aiman ni, die pi tny bende lain apasal, die tny "u tulis ker kite were together for 2 months?" padahal ak tulis "we broke up just 2 months after our first anniversary" so, ak x la menipu kan bile ak ckp ak x tulis bende tu?

lagipun, suka hati arwah nenek ak la. dah blog ak. aiman pun pernah jadi bf ak gak dulu. suka hati ak la nak tulis amender skalipun ak nak pasal die. aku ada hak. suka hati ak la nak rasa amender skalipun pasal die. yang ko nak sibuk nyer apahal. kesian.

kau rasa protective ek. konon apasal ak nak tulis mender2 buruk sal balak ko?

OH PLEASE.
kesian la aiman ni. at least dulu ak protective x da r meroyan sampai cenni. mencarut pun x.

tu lah. kau dah besar panjang. otak ada guna r sket. kau dah 20 thn. x reti2 cari gf yang matang sket? nak budak skola x hbs SPM tu, bajet cantik, dah la chindian, yang melayu dah x da kot. perangai budak2 tu kau pi ikut2 kan knape?

yang aiman ni pun lagi satu. nasib baik ak x da kat umah. kalu la ak ada kat umah. ak x tau la nak ckp per. dah la kul 12 mlm, malam RAYA lak tu. x ke nant boleh jadi kecoh gile babi dpan umah ak tu? x ke malu kalu makcik2 da tua nampak perangai gf ko yang kebudak-budakan tu?bajet2 la aiman oii. da 20 thn, kalau yer pun ajak2 la ak kua mkn kat mamak ke ape ker ley bincang2 kalu nak gaduh tarik2 rambut skali pun x kisah la, mamak tu bkn knal ak pun. ni kat dpan umah ak. bawak lak gf ko tu, ke bodoh alang jahil bahlul nye manusia ko ni aiman. kalu ye pun spm kau teruk, x kan gini jadi nyer bang? pikir la sket.

kau tau die budak kecik lagi, kau da besar, kau ajar la die mcm kau slalu sgt ajar ak dulu2
kan? kau kan pandai sgt?

aku tau. kau x ley ajar die kan? coz die lagi hbat dari kau kan? angin die lagi swing dari kau kan?
ego dia lagi tinggi dari kau kan? die lagi garang dari kau kan?

ha. amek la sgt perempuan cantik, sexy, style yang ko nak sgt tu.

Good Luck.
u're gonna desperately need it to break up with her.

mwahahhahaha

*told u i'll laugh at u someday..

a convoluted turmoil

2009-09-25T09:31:00.003+08:00

thing is, i dun noe the thing to write.
the thing here is just getting more complex than it was a few months ago, and everything is just so awkward, it's getting out of anyone's hands.

Raya. raya means kembali.

sometimes i wish everything will just go back to normal. but it cant and it wont.
certain circumstances are highly dependent on surrounding conditions.

you cant expect me to play nice anymore. i'm 19 and im already in college. i'm a grown-up child. and i cant b expected to attend to ur stupid game.

i dun wanna be the middle person here. i dun wanna b the messenger who delivers u to them. im trying my best to be nice to both of u. so i wont actually end up hurting anyone.

but hey. how come u're so selfish?

ak bengang la.
tau x.
u think this is a game?
why dun u learn?
or maybe have u learnt and think that it's too late for u?

i dun care.
things wont go back to the way it was even if u die trying.
i dun wanna hurt anyone.
i'm trying okay?
i wud appreciate some gratitude.

which u fail to even perceive.

i'm tired ok?

at the end of the day, u're still d guy who are just too clever that u're so stupid. who never learns and never wants to learn. who fails and continue failing. who gets mad and will never calm down.

kali kedua dalam hidup ku..

2009-09-18T15:20:00.002+08:00

okay sebelum ak start merepek2 spt biasa, ak nak wish sesapa yang membaca ni happy holiday and Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

dah berlalu satu bulan ramadhan yang mulia tu. (walaupun bak kata abemat ak da raya awal~ sorry la. bukan salah ak~) anyway. ak happy sgt bulan ramadhan thn 2009 ni coz walaupun byk kali gak la ak miss terawih, lbih byk lagi aku buat terawih dari ak miss terawih. hahaha.
cheers for me.

dan ak pasti thn ni ak da tgk semua cite gerard butler( so far) heheh
dan yang paling best semestinya THE UGLY TRUTH. mmg best thp ak boleh tumbuh sayap dan terbang.

anyway kali ni post ak dalam bahasa melayu, means that's something special. coz bile ak rasa ada special occasions jer ak tulis dlm bm.

tajuk ak kali ni kali kedua.
sbenarnye ada byk sgt bende yang ak sambut kali kedua raya ni.

first of all as a JAD STUDENT.
yeah. da dua thn ak kat jad ni. byj sgt ak da lalui nak sampai sini. wat wit the konflik dlm diri yang pernah ak alami dulu. ak pernah nak lari dari jad, but never did. i was a coward ke? entahla. ak sendiri pun x tau. mayb the faith that i kept thru the hurdles. wa~~
ye ye jer ak ni. lain nyer ak dulu dgn ak skarang is that ak dulu sgt benci jad. skarang (sbnarnye x da la lain sgt. ak benci gak) but ak da makin fond la dgn tbp and my frens here. i mean, bile ada cuti jer sure ak x nak balik. slalunyer ak la plg last kua dari umah ak, paling (insyaAllah ) awal blk umah (kalu mak ak x bebel) coz ak syg tbp (ye ker?)
ye la. before blk cuti sem jer mest ak duduk kat buaian b;lakang gym tbp ni sorang2 layan perasaan, fikir slama ak kat jad ni ak da buat sesuatu tu dgn lebih baik or labih buruk. ala2 koukai pny renungan. mwahahha~
poyo la. tp betul la. buaian tu la tempat plg ak suka kat tbp ni. byk kenangan ak kat situ. kenangan suka, duka, perit, jerih. but mostly slalu kalu ak tensen or sedey, boley r jumpa ak kat situ~
hahaha

secondly ini raya kedua ak as a SINGLE HOT MAMA.
haha. walaupun ak x suka bile sebut hot mama tu tp rasa x best lak bile gune single jer. mcm sabishii sgt.hahah
but i like my life.
ni first year die with dat selvi girl. cheers for u bro.
i like dat i'm free to roam the places i've always wanted to go, always wanted to do and the best thing is, no strings attached. kalu dulu. friday night is aiman night. saturday night, movie night at cineplex, curve. now, friday night is just, friday night. saturday night is football night. walaupun ak da x tgk football sgt dah. and i get to watch all d movies i want to watch, whenever i want to or wif whoever i want to. dulu die bising kalu saufi msg ak. skarang ak boley kua pi jumpa saufi bile2 masa aku suke!
piiiraaahh mabuk!
cuma dulu kalu die ada ak ada transport r nak gerak sket. pastu ley gi ou bile2 masa and bile mkn kat tempat mahal2 die r bayar. mwahahah. patut ajak die pi mkn kat sme kdai mahal2 sblum break duncha think?
skarang kene grak sendiri r. walaupun ak x suka and agak susah, tp. hey. no strings attached.

and the third is probably dat my dad wont be home for raya. again~
haha. kene r paham. die bz dgn cawangan baru die kat "kerteh" tu. mwahhaha. kaya bapak ak ni~ sampai raya pun x mo balik jumpa anak bini. huhu. x per la. suka depa la. ak x la sdey pun neway slama ni die pun bz and never attended to me. hey. no loss~ heheh.

tu r antara beberapa perkara yang da dua kali ditempuhi..
ak x sedeh. tapi bile fikir dah umur 19 ni rasa nak nangis pun ada gak.
oh i used to be so young!

sejak shau and kak put blk and slalu asyik dtg jumpa kitorg kat tbp ni telah mentrigger ak utk balik la ker pangkal jln... (jgn salah phm!) ak rasa ak nak blk la kepada diri ak yang sebenar. penat dah ak bermuka kat sini. i was sumone else. so.. moral nyer. usaha utk pulang ke diri yang sebenar sgt giat dan aktif dijalan kan. hehehe

anyway. ak sedey sgt kat kwn2 ak yang ajak buke pose tp x sempat. shy da blk kampung. ak baru hari ni nak blik umah tu pun umah kak leny. shikin jer la kat situ. ama mona and belle mmg harapan r nak kua~ mwahahha
sorry sgt babes. warukatta desu! (-_-")

ape2 pun nak wish lagi skali (sblum pack laptop ni) SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN. KALU ADA SALAH SILAP TERKASAR BAHASA TU, MAAF2 KAN LA OK????

see ya next post!

a dark flesh that tails me around

2009-09-12T23:39:00.004+08:00

* * *
Yg dpn tercabut tu bole masuk blik
Tp yg benjol tu xbole ketuk
Sbb die fibre
Adoi.....

* * *

there's one thing i really cant do anything bout myself. wherever i go, whenever i go, or whoever it is i go with, i cant stop this parade of disasters that happen to me at once.

see. i dun usually go looking for trouble. BUT! troubles come to me. happily.

so what can i do if i dun noe how the banking system in malaysia works? or how it is to solve the problems that involve the 'geran tanah' between my mum and her sibs? or why drivers in klang are immensely stupid and selfish?

i dun care an eff. okay? i dun give a shit.

maybe it was my stupidity. recklessness and pure immaturity that drives me here. but then again, why the burden to carry?????

people will tell me (or will give me this look)

"you're nineteen years old, you're supposed to know these things!"

and i will just look at them with a look of pure disbelief and utter confusion

how significantly relevant is it that a 19-year-old engineering student know how to manage a geran tanah that is lost and when it is uncovered by the pejabat tanah, realize that ur name's not in it??

go figure!

whatdahell.

and how is it significantly relevant that a nineteen year old with no side incomes other than the not-so-significant rm430 monthly allowance basis pays her own car insurance and the petrol and the supid tolls.

or better yet, how intricately inevitable is it that a 19-year-old scratched her sister's car?

okay. i admit that was my fault. i was silly, reckless, uncareful and was really childish.

and i sagat kereta orang. and i langgar divider tbp. all in one day. perfect.

enough about that..

here's another "zannen na hanashi"

how many times is it in one's life that we have the chance to see our lost love in a condition whereby we are hardly as moved on as the other party?

he's had a new image, a new college, a cool new future and a whole new place to hang out with that brand new girlfren he scored about 3 months after he left u. it's almost he's had a new life to live and what was the reason left for him to remember u by?

and u're still here, still barely breathing with that same old schoolwork u were stuck with. and u're still at the same college, the same old patched-up apartment, the same future u fought for, and the same old same old place to hang out with this good fren of urs. it's almost u never moved and even u're dying trying to get out of this pathetic life u're living, u never succeed and yes. u wake up and still find urself in the same old crappy junk.

u wonder. "how is it even remotely possible that i move on like this?????"

let me tell u. it's not possible. even the slightest possibility lies in places that's out of reach.
okay maybe we can move on. but hey. this mental capacity isn't meant for forgetting tragedies okay?

here's a great alternative; start afresh.

it's always hard to take the leap, of course, no one denies that. wat wif the voices in ur head that tell
"u cant leave him" and that aching part in ur heart that says "i cant forget him" or that painful revenge that cries "fuck you how cud u do dat shit to me?????"

yes. if humankind was as close as to inhumanity, there wud not b such problems.

but in all those "no"s we're surrounded by, there are a few "yes"s. the thing is we're only to timid as the human mind is to realize that there are difference in this comfort of familiarity we're all too cozily immersed into.

get up sayang.
rise from the ashes

u can do it.

it's not hard to pack up,put ur unwanted memories in a box, seal it up and continue down ur road. it's only hard to find the box. coz ur road is like a deserted path u can find nothing in. u lookup front and u cant see anything. look around still it's mere darkness. look behind and u'll find lots of boxes u left. then u look in one of the boxes and saw the things u never thought u had the strength to leavej. but there it is. u just never realize that u had that strength. when did u have that guts to leave this precious things? and yet there it was. u left it.

it's hard to find the box where u put all those unwanted things in. it's hard to see them leave u. especially when there's a part in ur heart still crave for them. that part's probably love. the love u had for that someone that makes it so difficult for u to let them go.

it's hard to find in the darkness, dunno what u'll find, u search in the dark, extend ur hands, and probably u'll end up touching other things, things u're afraid of, roaches, snakes, bees, etc...

that was the hardest part. but when u find the box, u found that the rest of ur work is easy. all u gotta do is let go. it's almost like letting go of a burden that's been sitting on ur shoulder for so long. u thought it was love that stayed with u. but instead it was his residues and past and unwanted boring stuff he left u carrying for him while he move on. that's y it was easy for him to move on. then u'll know.

see, i cant lead u out of ur misery, but i can show u light. and that's all i can do for u. there's my limit. no matter how much i want to help u, and my heart cries and beat myself up so dat i can have the chance to help u, there's only so much i can do. and that was it. words of advice and encouragement and hopes that u will find this light i'm showing u. and the rest, u're on ur own. i've shown u light, u have to find that light and walk to it and thru it. and at the end of that light, u will find that u have just uncovered the greatest strength of a man.

dear, the greatest strength of a man is not how strong his muscles are, it's how he pack up his ego and move on and learn again.

there's something that God was trying to tell u. and shud u be grateful that He chose that for u, not for other people. not me, not saufi, not fatin.. but YOU.
but all that u can figure was the sadness in ur heart that resurfaced after a while and the heartache that u kept all this while re-ache again.
and u end up hurting this person who's been there all this while, who's been trying her heart out to lead u to a light.
and we're all back to where we started. back to one.

it's okay. we're human. we're weak. it's okay to not know wat to do when we meet our ex. it's okay!
i wud have been lost too if it was me a few months back.
but u noe. it it had been me now, i wud say i wud smile and wave. and that's about it. i wont go and talk. because i know even though i packed that box and left it, talking wud be a magnet that pulls that box closer and hey, i dun want to open the box.

we're all suckers at love. you and me.

and here, back at one, i wanna tell u to learn. from a mistake u made talking to her, and a mistake u made hurting me, and a mistake u made that affects the rest of us.

we cant run from emotion. learn that. and learn that it's okay to let go. and it's okay for ur heart to ache again. and it's natural to cry coz we aren't so strong enough to express ourselves and grab back what used to be ours eventho it's right in front of us.

but most of all, learn that besides all those pain and regrets, there's a guardian angel around u, looking out for u, but was unable to touch u. and that angel nourished a garden full of blooming flowers to distract u from ur misery. and that u've just destroyed that garden. learn that there's no use crying over spilt milk and that there's no asking for return. learn that no matter how much u cry, u lament, u ache, u imagine, life moves forward. there's no rewind button. is there?

find the magic rainbow in ur horizon sayang. it's there down ur road. u are just too caught up in misery to realize it
find ur faith, the'll give u strength and tranguility over mess and confusion. and then u will slowly find ur darkness will turn to grey. it takes some time, i know. but sayang, never too worry, the morning will come again.

ALWAYS.

the same old same

2009-08-30T06:03:00.003+08:00

i dun noe y the same scene keeps happening. y does it follow me everywhere? damn it. leave me alone already!

i'm really sorry. if i was being overly-sensitive over wat u said and took it to a level that u did not mean it, and (even when u mean those words, which, i am kindda scared to admit dat i know u do- kindda) having to pretend that i don't know what u mean.

see,
i've been thru this.

like TWICE.

so if i haven't benefited from a single experience of this from the past, u might as well call me a dumb blonde.

wait.

i'm not blonde.

fine. dumb BRUNETTE then.

call me crazy, call me bitch. call me anything u want.
go ahead.

truth is i love u. and i care for u.
i really do.
but to love u as a guy who i see myself going out wif, er, (one word) NO.
this is not an insult or watever crap u think this maybe.

dude.
u'r MARRIED.

look, i like older guys, but u?
u're DEFINITELY OFF-LIMITS!

plus u're like SOMEONE in this place.
i cant possibly get over more than just what we r right now.
(or we'll b in so much trouble.)

that's just wrong. like REALLY wrong.

plus, if there's anything as close as a classy bitchy thing that i would do, trust me, it will not be to destroy a happily-married couple's life.
i'm 19 (not doing it!)
and u've known me, wut, a year and a half?

shit.
i wont b that person between u and ur wife.
that's just...

EEWWW

okay?

trust me. i just dun want u to end up like the first guy. (altho he wasnt married or have children as a matter of fact, which u DO hav TWO!)

i was nice to that person just like i am to u all this while and when he turns into all dat i-think-i-like-you-and-since-back-then-i-was-ur-teacher-i-cant-tell-u-anything mode, it all went haywire.

or the second one. (he was married too. wat's wif these married men??) he strayed too but came too his senses. (about time too)

and went u came in, i had to do wat i did. im really sorry. altho u've oh-so-directly hinted it, i was too used to it that i was being almost normal (when it shudn't have! i mean, confessing love the first time isn't something u do everyday right? so u kindda get all these kinks and OH MY GOD those heartbeat!) and i can't let the same thing like the first guy happened again! (we all know how well THAT went)

i know u think i'm pretty immature. that i'm so blur that i dun get ur point. that i'm still a child and haven't ventured into the adult world.

i do. and i have taken that path. i had to do wat i did. i had to pretend that i didn't noe wat u were saying and i was making silly jokes that didn't even RELATE and was changing the subject virtually subtly, so u wudn't hav noticed the avoidance! i pretended to be a child, not of age and someone whom u noe u cant play around wif. only so that u wont feel the same way about me again. ever. (tho i dun think it helps. talk about relapse!)

i'm really sorry. i was really scared when u started saying those things. i wanted to run away and not hear it. i wished u never hav started (or if it was me, god help me, i wished i never started nething)

damn.
u're married!

urgh!

mcm fuck

2009-08-29T20:46:00.003+08:00

aku kan. x pnah marah kalau korg nak makan kat lua ker or wateva shit u wanna do without me. coz ak tau ak busy. and dats y ak x kesah.

but this time ak mmg fucking marah giler sial sbb korg mcm shit giler.

kalau la ak ni bodo jahil bahlul skalipun, ak tau r jln nak gi curve tu sure lalu fed highway. dah pastu lak sure2 takes 1 hours plus2 dari umah kan?

kalu korg nak bagi alasan yang mmg last minute giler babi pny plan pun come on la.
dlm sejam yang bapak lama tu mmg x da seminit pun nak btau ak korg nak p buka kat curve kan?

mmg semua org dan dan alang tu x da kedit kan?
org yg pakai fucking bill pun tetibe x da kedit kan?

pastu org yang ada kedit tu tetiba bateri mampus la or tetiba tercampak phone tu ke lua tingkap
so x ley call ak kan?

mmg mcm shit doh korg.

pastu ak cal ley gelak2 ckp korg buka kat curve without me.
aku CALL TU BARU NAK CKP?

WAT THE FUCK???

ak ni kan, duduk batu tiga jer tau r.
umah klang, 20 min drive ley sampai tau x.

tp korg g curve sejam tu, x nak btau ak pun??

aku duk dkat jer, boleh kata blk tiap2 mgu gak r kan?

ak nak blk ni siap beli teh cameron manis2 tu agi nak bwk blk. pastu siap dah plan da nak ajak korg sume gi tarawih ramai2.

pny la ak nak blk.
pastu korg wat ak cenni?

mcm sial la.

wat the FUCK???

igt ak x da perasaan ker?
pastu buat bodo
wat cem nothing happend.

wat the fuck?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

seyes dow.

x ley ckp r sedey ak ni tau x.
thanx r neway.

for teaching me another bullshit.

m not coming home neway.
n x yah r call. ak x kan angkat pun.
n dont bother nak pujuk.

having the last laugh

2009-08-24T16:17:00.003+08:00

people always say that patience will pay off someday, and i didn't used to believe that.
until these few days.

::a special dedication::
**in living and vivid memory of: August 5th, 2007**

remember our first fight??
i think it was about ur social life and ur girlfrens.
remember how jealous i was about ur socialistas girlfrens??

the good 'ol days, nah?

ouh, ouh..
u remember the times when u always say that u hate it when i use swearwords with u??

damn.
to think back. i think i was silly to let u win everything. and let me change myself.
damn.

anyway..
hey..
ur girl ryt now. dat selvi girl ( fyi that's wat me and my sistas call her)
she's not so bad a swearing bitch isn't she??

and u realize this dude?
she use them to u. that's just the simple part.

when i use that word in front of u, u got super heroic angry. and felt kindda superior coz u were u and told me not to use it with u nemore.

and she's doing it TO u, and in facebook! like in front of each one of ur frigging frens!

where have ur ego drowned to dude??

and then wat amuses me most, was that in ur profile there's this part that u oh-so-sweetly declared that u love her. and use ur pix together as ur profile pix.

are u trying to make me jealous???

plz.
u make me laugh.
like, real bad.

u wanna noe y?
coz back then u were so ego and felt that watever i sed didn't worth the simplest listening to.
and now she can even "fuck" u off and u still say that u love her.

wat is THAT???
tell u wat.
u are just too much in love wit her, dats y u didnt surface ur ego. there'll be time. time passes by. remember that. and soon ur ego will start resurfacing.
and u find urself back in the same situation like we were in.
the thing is u nvr really thought of it as ur fault. it was always me.
and a very obedient me that was.

that's one fight dear, and a deja-vu of our old memory.
there's more to come. i can bet ya~

it is kinnda fun to watch u repeating ur same mistake.
and nvr learn a thing.
eventho it was always u who told me to learn,
and yet in the end it was u who crumble.
kindda amusing duncha think??
guess wat..
i will laugh at ya when the time is right.

gud luck dear.
u'r gonna need it.

toodles!
xoxo!

::fin::

told u i wasn't being paranoid.
it's only natural for girls to act the way we both do.

a quiet silhouette

2009-08-12T00:34:00.001+08:00

people ask me.

"y are u different?"

"are u malay?"

"ur parents' malay?"

"y don't u look like ur sisters?"

each time, my answers would be different.

see, i wasn't born to already know my difference. i wasn't made to already have an answer to any of these questions people keep asking me. nor was i ever taught WHY i was different in d first place.

don't get me wrong, it's not that im not grateful for wat god has given me, no.
nor am i blaming my family members for my being who i am now, no

thing is, when i was a kid, and people kept comparing me with my sisters, i developed this invincible barrier between me and my sisters. they made me feel that somehow i AM different and that difference is BAD. because i am a Malay. and i don't look like one.

and when i was a kid, people made assumptions that i was adopted. and i kindda sunk into that assumptions instilled in my tender mind. i sortta believed the thoughts that i was a kid from Bosnia, (because at those time, Bosnia was at war and they thought i was taken from my so-called Bosnian family for safety) until i my young heart collected enough courage to face my mum and confront her about this.

and my dear mum told me that i was of course, NOT adopted, let alone from Bosnia.

she told me, i took on my (now late) maternal grandmother's features. and some of my dear aunt's subtle behavior. fair-skin, brown-eyed, bla bla bla~~~

and my young self was happy to hear that i was actually a part of my family. and there was nothing different between me and my sisters, only skin colour is wat differs us.

when i reached a tender age of 9, i discovered a difference between me and my Malay frens. and i was curious at why such difference existed. and i still remember i came home one day and asked my mum whether i can dissolve that difference by being one LIKE them. and my mum said it was up to me. but my sister said something i'll never forget.

she said no. because then she and i would be truly different. and i was scared of that difference. i didn't want to be different from the people that i love. and thus, i never became my frens. i was me.

today, people say i'm old enough to know wat's wrong or right. and yes. they're right. i am old enough to tell the difference between the rights and the wrongs. but i can't say i'm doing everything right. because there are certain parts of me still human, still wanting to experience the bad side of the world and at d same time deepens my knowledge on the right side.

see, i spent a lot of time in my life trying to be like other people. like my frens, like my sisters. i tried so hard to destroy any means that lead to differences between me and all these people. until i finally learned that i CAN'T be d same like them. because i simply am NOT identical to them. i am different, be it my features or the way i speak, it's just not alike. and i have to accept that i am different.

and hey, i'm not like that anymore. i'm old enough to know what matters is wat's inside. and i cant do anything to change myself and in fact, i shouldn't. because this is me. and it is wat makes me ME. it's unique. and it's ME.

and other people will have to deal with that too.

sometimes it amuses me; how people try so hard to be something they're not. people who are not born fair-skinned try to be fairer. people who are born fair-skinned go to the south every summer time to get themselves tanned.

it's just funny how complex we all are.

but u know wat, it's life. people are never grateful for wat they hav. they always want more.

and as of the earlier issue, i know that certain things i'm doing are not right. but i'm learning. and it's not that i don't want to make it right.

like a pearl, it take several million years to ever really grow and flourish into a perfectly-round beautiful pearl.

maybe i need my time to be that pearl.

and if there are flaws anywhere in the making, trust me, it's not my family's fault nor anyone's to be blame. it would b solely my flaws.. and god's blessings.

my parents have taught me enough. and if there are anything missing, then it would be my bad not to listen carefully to wat they said.

of him and her

2009-08-07T23:24:00.000+08:00

a piece to understand y women act the way they do? a piece for men. benefit from it.

DEDICATED TO ALL MEN OUT THERE.

it's not how many times a day u call her,

it's how many times a day u pray for her well being.

it's not how many times a day u say "i love you",

it's how many times a day u hear ur breath calling for her.

it's not about how brave you are to sing to her in front of public,

it's how every word u sing means every days u want to spend with her.

it's not how many times u give her big and expensive presents,

it's how much u mean ur sincerity towards the gifts.

it's not how many times u kiss her in front of public,

it's how many subtle moves u make to protect her.

it's not how many times u scold her for making careless mistakes,

it's how many times u tell urself that she's learning more and more each day.

it's not how fierce u can be about protecting her,

it's how insecure u are of losing her.

it's not how many times u win whenever u and her fight,

it's how many times u can find the reason why u fought in the first place.

it's not how many times she wins u over her friends,

it's how many times she can agree with ur decisions.

it's not how beautiful she look when u go out with her,

it's how honest she is to dress for u.

it's not how people look at u and say that u're sweet,

it's how articulate u r of expressing that she's ur needs.

it's not how many times u dream of her,

it's how many times u think of her before sleep and wants to wake up next to her.

it's not how much expectation u have on her understanding towards u,

it's how many times u sacrifice ur ego to teach her about urself.

it's not how many times people tell u that she's beautiful,

it's how much u love her that makes her beautiful to ur eyes.

down memory lane ::: part 1 :::

2009-08-05T17:39:00.000+08:00

a fren once asked me in a silly game of "truth or dare", "what's the sweetest thing u've ever done for ur guy?"
and at that time, i didn't answer the question. i kept quiet for a moment while evryone waited for my answer. it got me thinking for a while.
"what WAS the sweetest thing i've ever done for my guy?"

for a year since we first met, every single day i've been with him, he's been a true angel to me. he drove me everywhere i wanted to go, he picked me up after school and took me to dine at every each place i've never been to. and on new year's eve, the time everyone yearns to lavish on at The Curve, i wanted to go and couldn't bcoz well, u cant expect my parents to allow me and my unidentified boyfren to go out and come back after midnyt at SPM year? and when he wanted to go, i was upset, he drove all the way from subang to my house and put a bouquet of flowers behind my house and told me to get it.

on my birthday, he took me to dinner and gave me a card hand-made, of roses and fragrance.

he was as sweet as any girl would have wanted in a guy.

but what have i ever done FOR him?
all the while, people say he is the ONE for me. tall, handsome, non-smoker, posses his own wheels, rich, sweet, true gentleman, older than me; EVERYTHING i've ever look for in a guy.

thing is, that's wat people SEE in him. not what people KNOW in him

sometimes commitment can be a real pain in the ass.
from this man, he taught me juz how painful it is to devote urself to a person.

and from this man, i learn the difference between the love i can giv to a man, and the love i willingly give to a person called FRIEND.

i dunnoe if it was just him, but to me, the love i gave to him was never conditional. i was a girlfriend, a wife, a fren, a mum, a partner and a secretary to him. i was up early in the morning to wake him. i listened to every complains he had about his life and how much he hated accounting. i went out late at nyt and skipped on homework to watch him perform at his school's prom night. i listened to his every orders even though i didn't want to do so. i stopped being frens with a fren becoz he didn't like him. i always gave in whenever we fight because he always wanted to win.

i gave the purest of all sincerity. and to him, that wasn't enough.

i guess that was y we broke up anyway.

to me, i can be so genuine with my frens. sometimes i feel like a loser for loving a fren too much. much more than i do myself.
but that's the truth. i love my frens very much.
sometimes i treat them like family.
sometimes i get hurt when they say the simplest thing. because i treasure them so much.

there are a lot of things i've done for a fren. i've made birthdays their sweetest memories, i have written their names up on a place so they r immortalised forever, i give up on a guy i like so much so that my fren have him. i wrote stories bout them, written songs for them.

personally, be it my frens or my guy,
the sweetest a thing i can offer to them is my sincerity.

and today,
last year and the year before, we spent our nights celebrating our anniversary together
and today of this year
i spent it in my way and he's with somebody else.

so as an answer to that silly game of "truth or dare"
"what was the sweetest thing u've ever done for ur guy?" when everyone was waiting for that answer from me,

i shrugged my shoulder, smiled and said:

"nothing"

a tragic first day

2009-08-03T18:26:00.000+08:00

tell me, what's worse than having a whole first day class of physics and sleeping in class and getting your oh-so-pathetic exam results at the end of d day?

it's when the lecturer starts to speak a language that u cant understand.

see, dat's the thing when you study in different language. you start to mix up the whole picture when u just cant deal with a personal problems.

today i had a new lecturer. who teaches physics. he was a total bore. sorry. i slept twice! omg. now dat's never happened to even ayako sensei!

i dun noe. he was teaching. and suddenly (or as i imagined it) he was speaking Dutch. or French. whichever comes first. haha. darn.

whatever.

then the real tragedy came by.

but I'd rather say that i believe that certain thing happens for a reason. and i think that whoever who fails to accept that is a person of insufficient maturity.
sorry. no hard feelings. it's the truth.

i'm sorry if i've done you a mistake, i really mean my apology. i hope u understand that it's hard for me too as it is for u.

a fren once told me. "api jgn dilawan dgn api" so i say "air mata jgn dilawan dgn air mata". if only you know that i'm trying really hard to take care of your feelings. and i'm doing extra works to care for her feelings as well. and hey, guess what? no one cares for MY feeling. how come?

but you know. im not asking for you to care for my feelings. i understand u need time to heal and u need time to absorb things. but hey. for the records, i need time too. do u think it's easy for me? do u think i am so cold as to feel no sorrow as u do? u think i dun care? u think i dun feel the loss as u do?

dear, i love you very much. and it kills me and it breaks me so much to see u suffer like diz. u cough and you're sick and i cant do anything to help u. i can only watch from far and paksa u take ur meals on time and finishes them. i get it u cant accept the things that's going on around u.

but i cant accept that u think that i'm taking it easy and i'm not sad and grieving over wat's going on. i cant accept that u r changing and making this hard for me. i cant accept that u make me feel like my efforts to make you feel better seems so useless. and i cant accept that u left me alone in times i need u most and when i was talking to u to make things normal again, u left me and talked to someone else and pretend that i was NOT EVEN THERE.

thank you.

see, i'm not NOT sad. i just dont wanna cry in front of u.
i'm trying to make the old u come back~ and it's all kindda useless if u're not taking part okay?

i need you very much. the truth is i cant handle this alone. i really cant do it alone. and of all the people here, i kindda need u the most. i expect u to kindda understand. but u dun seem to understand at all.

is it my fault? do u need me to go away? do u need me to leave ur ass alone? do u want me to not speak to u again? do u need me to disappear from ur life?

if it helps ur recovery, then i'll do it.

i'm really sorry. if i dun share ur result.

you know. i'm really sad at wat happened to u. when u told me, i was really2 messed up. idun feel like being happy anymore. and hey, fyi. i got good results. one that i can actually say i'm proud of. but hey, i'm not happy. u noe y?

coz u're not happy.

and u noe, i m not d least bit happy when i see my result. and u noe what u did when u saw my result? u made a face and u left me.

U LEFT ME.

if there's any a thing that breaks my heart other than seeing ur condition, it's this. u leaving me.

thanks.

a zillion.

but hey. if it wasnt for saufi, i think i might have really lost it. thanx saufi. u really made me feel really good.

i wish u r here with me.

u noe, it it wasnt for saufi, probably i wouldn't have survived half of jad life.

THANX SAUFI.
SAYANG KAU.

my saving grace

2009-08-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we lose our DKNY perfume. Other times, we lose our favorite pair of Jimmy Choos’. And no one ever really care if we lose a cent or two or a few ringgits. But what if we lose our saving grace? An iPhone perhaps? Or a good-luck-charm from an old friend in middle school. Or simply a friend, maybe?

Maybe once or twice in our lives we realize how much simple things means a lot and make the most difference in our lives. Or if we get lucky, we realize that in just a few seconds, we lose everything we’ve ever actually had.

Like say, yesterday I was holding hands with this girlfriend of mine, crossing the streets, exchange laughter and stupid jokes on how this boy always sleeps in class with his face flat on the table and how our lecturers always knew that whenever he sleeps, there’s no waking him. Or like how this boy ever really end up with this girl anyway! – And suddenly today they’re gone. they’re not dead, they’re just… gone. Suddenly she can’t promise you the movie she promised you a month ago, or can she say “I’m gonna take you to karaoke this Saturday” just the way she had promised me a few months back. And you can’t say “I hate you” or “That’s so stupid and that’s just you” to that guy who u really used to hate but have come to like eventually.

Suddenly the moment she told you she is not ever gonna be by your side like she used to seems like a dream. A dream one never really wishes to have, or a dream one really wants to wake up from. Very much unlike a dream I had the last day I saw her in her Baju Kurung. I was having really beautiful dream about a lecturer I have had a crush on for months. No, it is different. Now, the dream isn’t so beautiful or so flowery and makes you melt, it’s painful, excruciating, and full of dreadful agony unspeakable of any right minds. Suddenly you feel that your brain starts to malfunction and words start to fail your every thought, and her words seem like foreign languages that you can understand nothing about. That’s when you realize that it is not a dream really. Not dreams at all, not even close.

Then you feel that your brain can’t work out what she’s trying to say, you can’t absorb a thing. Until a realization hit the cerebral fluid in that tiny brain of yours. Then you feel like you can’t handle that anymore. Suddenly you feel empty. That soul of yours just shatters apart like a piece of glass that felt on the floor. Suddenly you feel like a beautiful piece or stained glass you’ve nurtured and decorated your whole pathetic life just fall and break to pieces. Just like that.

I mean. It’s not that it’s easier for them to handle it. Gotta say, the burden really is on them. I mean… the parents, whether or not they can support you or are they gonna just leave you on your two feet and pretend that they don’t know you and save themselves the humiliations. The friends who they’re leaving, a loved one they had and made through the times they were here. The cousins and the other people who aren’t any bit of help but a pain in the ass, sometimes we wish they would disappear. They come and ask, they will ask question you can’t even answer because you’re afraid you might say the wrong things and you’ll end up hurting one another. Thing is, people ARE going to ask. And talk. But what the hell. They don’t know the hell we go through. And they make fun of us. They think it’s a shame to have to change to local universities. They don’t know the shit we go through.

I have asked this guy’s help once, about computers. I think it’s wise enough for me to say it’s fair for anyone who actually knows me to say that I am so not your tech-savvy girl in action or a person to come to if you have troubles with computers. I’m a total loser at computers and technologies. And I think all this while I have never really been on bad terms with him. He’s sweet and everything. And the fact that you’re losing him too is just not rational. It’s nonsense and it doesn’t even make sense to you. You know what’s the worse part of all? That you know you’re never gonna get that same look from the same person again. I mean that little smile the eyes can give you when you laugh at them or that fondness one offer when they talk to one another, that’s just never gonna be there again.

Yeah, people say come on, move on, there’ll be other people. That’s true. Really. But there’s one thing one never really realize if one never goes through it: other people will never be the same as the old one. Like say, first love. Why is the damn thing so intricately hard to forget? It’s because that it’s the only ever ONE and no other like it. It’s hard to forget because it is our first real teachers who teach us real experiences. Like friends who stop by and became friends, and we starts opening up and laugh together, sleep together and had that last piece of photo at Pizza Hut together with an ice-cream that has two crusty waffles topping we ordered and shared and tagged each other in Facebook. That’s a moment we share with no other people but that single person, a moment beyond doubt, utterly impossible to repeat itself in whatever condition it is. We wanna offer money so that it can actually repeat itself, but to whom? Who do we ask for time to repeat itself? Who do we ask for help when it’s time that’s being questioned?

Or what do we say to a person whom we borrowed his physics homework from and copied his work and he’s getting the “shush” at the very same subject, physics? Do we say thank you or do we say I’m sorry? How do we even face the person? It’s irrelevant. He’s the genius and you copied his work and he’s getting the rejections??? Why doesn’t this tally?

There are a lot of things I have to say to these people and so much more to explore out there. Like, Sabah for example. And suddenly it doesn’t appeals so much as it used to a few months back. I may not have spent my time wisely, I may not have used the time that was blessed to me to talk to these people, get to know them or simply just be friends. I am very truly, deeply sorry that I missed out such great opportunity. Or say if we all feel the same way, we are all sorry.

It’s fair to move on. Life is about losing. If you don’t lose something then you’ll never know how much it’s worth. Life goes on, you know. They have their lives too, and they move on too. So what is the bloody thing that’s different?

It’s the holes in each of us. The holes that they’ll leave in JAD. Their seats will be left empty. Their desks will remain there collecting dust quietly until someone with enough guts to use them. Their beds will still keep the traces of them. Be it their smell or that ‘air liur basi’ they leave on their pillows. The laughter or their whining will fade. The fact remains that the will be no more of the same sound coming out of the same person.

I hope we all succeed one day. Be it we actually manage to reach out and grab that opportunity to fulfill the same dream we have had since we were nine or we’ve just become a different person and hell of a good one at it. I hope we all find our way to success. Whether we are still alongside each other or we’re a thousand miles apart. I hope we find blessings in whatever we do. Even if the things we started off together would be completely different to what we accomplish later. I hope when we fall apart halfway through and fail really miserably, we can all find courage and stand up again and start walking again. And find the will in ourselves to look up and smile again like before and be proud of our mistakes, because if it wasn’t because of the mistakes, we wouldn’t have learn and stand like where we are standing right now.

I love you guys so much. I bet we all do.

call me eccentric

2009-08-02T22:15:00.000+08:00

hello there. the name is elly. i'm not eccentric really. just plain weird sometimes.
i think i'm a person of redundant words and complaints. but hey, sometimes i keep my mouth shut coz i'm too tired to talk.
i am 19. been blogging since 16. that's 3 years of endless writing and silly complaints. i started out blogging out of hobby. Friendster's blog.
http://invaderscrew-emmely.blog.friendster.com/
then i stopped blogging at friendster. i thought that friendster's blog was getting a little too childish for me. i went to another place. a place no one really knew about. one one person knew. that place was wreck i tell u. it annoyed me more than entertained me. so finally i made the decision to switch to blogger.

so here i am. i mean, the all-writing me is not so interesting. when i turn the "writing" mode. trust me. i'll be as boring as an 80th century poem, Shakespearean style. i'm not really in the "writing zone" right now. coz basically i just dun feel like doing anything.

i mean, have you ever encountered that period in time where you jst feel like you dun wanna do anything at all?

kindda in dat zone now.

anyway. will b back with much more interesting stories. or complaints. i trust myself with dat.